had my 1st law test today. and i predicted correctly. medical negligence and nervous shock. and being the very smart me.....i did NOT study. not that i dun want to. but i seriously couldn't take it. i was too tired............... hais. this always happens. i ALWAYS predict correctly but i ALWAYS dun study them. ughs. the horrible repetition of my sad life. im so gg to fail everything. my nx entry will prob be abt the test....HAIS!

i hate it when they want us to act. i hate it. it defeats the entire purpose of a family gathering. why shld i put up a show just so that they can get ratings? what do i gain? no benefits for me. at all. i don't mind getting together with my family. i love it when we get together and make senseless noise. when those older than me end up swinging toy swords with those much younger than me. but it's private. it's family. sitting together, gathering, talking, smiling and laughing in front of the cam...is what it is. acting. cause, yes, we do sit together, gather, talk, smile and laugh arnd the table...but we'r not fake. normally. i won't say the same for today.

today. everything. is. fake.

what. is. captured. on. the. cam. is. merely. the. director's. imagination.
the. cameraman's. handiwork.
the. image. of. an. ideal. family.
the. lies.

i cried. in public. i cried while walking. nothing was on my mind at tt time. all i knew was that i m crying, and how wonderful it'd be if i was home, snuggled under my comforter, and in my comfort zone. i'm up and abt since morning on a wrong day. too wrong a day.

maybe the reason y i cried was cox i was bugged by some hantu arnd. or maybe, it was just the frustration i felt at tt moment, and the fatigue finally getting to me. i'm in mid-sem. having mid-sem break. which basically means i'm lagging by half a sem. normally, when i'm lagging behind in work, i'm not tired physically. i used to have a good time resting (ie not doing anything) AND still be in sync in sch. now, i'm tired cox i lack slp and my brain is not working. i zone out for every single min. i really need rest. a day when i dun need to rush for time.

i don't like how i was dumped in nowhere just for your convenience. do i really mean so little to you? even tho i pushed back everything for you?

i know tt i'm seen as a cocky bitch.
to those who r fine with me being that: you shld have seen me at the moment when i was lost, sobbing n stripped of my confident facade. you wouldn't know me.
to those who totally detest me for being tt: you would have savoured tt moment. the moment when a cocky bitch realises that she has not done anything worthy in this life and that she has absolutely nothing to be cocky or bitchy abt.

to lump. i hope i didn't freak you out too much by calling you n crying. i just tot of u at tt moment.

to izzy. thank you v much. u'r one of the few reasons y i miss mjc. at least i know my moments in mjc weren't really ALL useless.

to beat. i love you too. u brought a smile back.

to my dad. not that he'll see this, but i've to say this. he's THE only person in this world who will actually stop all tt he's doing just to get back home frm town even tho he was busy n far frm town. he's THE only person in this world who will throw everything away just because i cried. he's THE only person i know who will sacrifice everything for me. (otherthanmymom)

all those who actually bothered to read thru everything, in all appreciation n love, here's a pic of my dad n mom. not the most flattering, but its d only one in my lappy. he's the one who gave me tt genes, making me short, fat and ugly. and because he gave me tt genes, his love for me is unconditional. and all i return are demands for money, cries for help and frequent displays of unhappiness. he's my old man. he's the man.

my eyes hurt frm crying. but i can't stop my tears.

on d day i decided that contract law lect is really nowhere as impt as my slp (i.e. when i finally decided to skip the stupid lect), i was woken up at 8 plus by smses. 2 smses. one aft the other. n my phone was on d loudest volume. how freaking smart. so altho i tried to ignore the 1st noise, the 2nd noise still woke me up. but, it wasn't tt bad afterall. cox i woke up to find one sms frm fun saying tt she misses me (here you are, fun! the entry abt u missing me!). hahaha..a good way to wake up. i mean, not the being harrassed by nokia msg tone at the loudest vol part, but the realisation tt someone misses me today part. ahaha..and yes, i miss you too.

i don't know. sometimes when ppl tell u tt they miss you, does "i miss you too" sound too patronising? but yeah, tt series of sms-es aft the "i miss you" one seriously makes me realise tt i miss fun. i miss mjc. not the sch. but the friends. and the stupid things we do. and the stupid things we SEE others do. and the unkind laughter thrown at those morons. (okay, so maybe only apple n i gave the unkind laughter. most of the time.) haha..i miss all the times we spent stoning n making senseless noise. and i miss dancing stupid dances with fun in d middle of nowhere, while loitering arnd. tt stupid spoof "girls n boys" mv frm good charlotte. *clap clap*. hhaha...okay. private joke there. hahaha...tt was really dumb. hahah..and how fun pointed at the sun's reflection in the bus's window n went "EH wah! the sun so nice!!" bimbo moment. ahhahaha...the worst one. so kershia, don't worry..i've got a fren whose one bimbo moment equates to 2 bimbo moments of urs.

i wanna go back to mjc. minus lessons. and teachers. n lai lai. everything'd be good. and since i'm so happy dreaming, i wanna go back to cedar too. when i EXERCISED. ahhhhh..those were d days...

somehow, school ended up being reduced to comparisons. which school gives the most work? which faculty is more taxing? which module requires more attention? which assignment is more important?

somehow, the only topic of conversation nowadays zero in on how we r struggling in our respective schools, drowning in the huge stacks of reading, overwhelmed by the assignments that are thrown at us, staggering cox of the projects given within a month of sch.

somehow, conversations do not deviate from school.

somehow, school became "who whines more".

somehow.

ouch

tt pang i felt.

stupidity.

i feel stupid. because of you.