because of my tutor's overfertile mind, i'm bound to the binder (yes. pun meant) for abt a month. but, i've only really started doing this crap for the past 2 days. in fact, i've been staying up till past 3 am for the past 2 nights. the lack of slp, irregular mealtimes, trees murdered to print the cases, ink wasted and the strain that my eyes are open to. just for a fictional character. a fictional character who should have just stayed inside my tutor's head, instead of popping out and destroying our lives.

3 months into school. and i feel as if i've never done more work in my life. well. i really haven't done more work in my life than the past 3 months. i'm gg for a ko shinbo buffet aft the presentation to reward myself for surviving this nonsense. then i'm gg to slp. slp slp slp. till tues. wake up. n try to do contracts tut. sigh. n my pooor lappy is overriden with viruses. kill me.

by the way. happy halloween. i'm sure the faculty will have a successful halloween party. school later will prob be overflowing with pandas.

i want to talk abt how i feel. i want to let someone know that i'm not happy.

but i dunno how to explain how and why i feel this way. and i don't think i shld go disturb ppl just like tt.

this dilemma is making me crumble. in every single way.

exciting day today. had a virus. freaking trojan. and my fren got rid of it for me! yay. haha..
if u need my fren n his cool anti-virus, come look for me k..i'll tell him!

i realised that before i msg anyone (frm my fac), many many questions go thru my mind. "is that person busy?" "will i be disturbing that person?" "should i try asking a qns?" "will they be irritated with what i have to say?" yadda yadda. often, this results in me not msging them. oh well.

on a bright note. celebrated n feasted on fri night with the fellow pigs. for their bdays. gave apple n lump a notebook each. i will ALWAYS rem how i was asked "you're giving your friends NOTEBOOKS for their bdays?" but hey. i wrote something for them. meaningful, or not, is one question. but at least, i wrote abt things we ALL could identify with. it's our secret! ahaha. ehh..thanks zah. for the contribution of nice markers. we are all eternally grateful. really.

oh. fish & co swordfish collar is extremely oily. every bite i take, oil SPILLS out. i've no idea how come a tiny piece of fish manages to conceal so much oil. gross. i basically left the swordfish collar to be mutilated by izzy while we waited for apple.

and i guess i really do look as if i have an attitude problem. or just in a really bad mood. perpetually. not that i care. oh oh. and lump made a collage for me. (she's not tt artistic. she just has a good prog for managing pictures) and i really like it! it's currently my wallpaper! and i realised tt if i actually use her com, i might feel as if it's mine, given the number of pictures of me she has inside. maybe she's stalking me! or maybe d 3 of us just happen to go out together all the time. lump, me and best fren, whom we lovingly nicknamed cammie. no outing is complete without him. d day technology becomes indispensable has arrived. it's no longer just part of our lives. it becomes indispensable. and to think we decided to make some techonological stuff our best fren. but he's a smart techo piece! and the name is damn apt.

with the recent reports on how natural disasters hit and destroyed every countries, from the richest US to the poorest Paskistan,i think it is quite obvious how ironies scream frm the reports.

US was hit by Katrina.
Pakistan was destroyed by that earthquake.

US is supposed to be a liberal, established, civilised and well-educated country.
Pakistan remains to be a 3rd world country - poor, impoverished and undeveloped.

New Orleans, after being destroyed by Katrina, ended up with fresh new reports on how there was looting, plundering and a total state of lawlessness.
Kashmir, however, generated reports on how strangers have been helping others selflessly, like how one guy piggybacked an old woman with a crushed pelvic bone to a hospital that requires 3 hrs of walking.

maybe it's only cause ppl in Pakistan are used to hardships(as quoted by sammi. or he insisted that i copied from him. here, i gave credit to you now..happy? cont loving my blog's font k). or maybe they just know how to appreciate the lives they almost lost.

don't read if you don't like to hear me whine.

given my penchant to sneak into blogs and start peeking into the bloggers' lives, i've decided that maybe it's time for me to start writing and conversing in proper english. i realise that the standard of my english, both written and oral, is on a downward spiral. and trust me, the slope is pretty steep. once again, i wonder if i chose the wrong course. i KNEW that i was not competent enough, not disciplined enough, not proficient enough in my language, and not smart enough. and now i KNOW that i will never be.

maybe i'm just stuck in this rut where all i can do, and all i want to do is to pity myself. maybe i'm just trying to invite sympathy frm anyone who actually does give a shit about me. self-pity or inviting pity? i don't care. of course, people say that the competition is within yourself and do not compare yourself to others. but it's difficult. not when you know that you're probably at the bottom rung of the cohort, and know that your language and linguistic skills can NEVER match up to others. and especially not when you know that while those in the fac who study happen to have brains (what a coincidence), those who do not study just happen to have MORE brains (another uncanny coincidence). but i guess there is always this small little category somewhere around, where the students who do not study happen to have no brains. and i just happen to have this naggy feeling that i fit in that category.

it's so tough not to compare yourself to others, because you know that if you do not do that, you will never know your flaws, and start working on them. it's tough because you know that you are constantly being compared to others. it's tough because you know that others are constantly comparing you. it's tough because i no longer get average results without putting in any effort. i get mediocre results. it's tough. so why do i insist on lying to myself, saying that it does not matter. my results do not matter. my stupidity does not matter. because it does.

the erosion of my confidence has just started. i don't think it's going to end anytime soon.

okay. got my test back. i didn't fail it. got a B. despite not studying! HA!

and i got my rewrite back too. i got a c. i'm a freaking straight c student for LAWR.

and my sch internet connection keeps screwing up.

didn't read my lect notes, so i've absolutely no idea wad my lecturer is discussing with the rest. not that i care. except for the rumour that the test has been changed from a 24 hrs test to a 3 hrs test. ughs. stab me.

in a good mood today.

didn't do tut, but escaped since i wasn't called to ans qns.

wore a nice happy top. okay..the nice top made me happy, tts y its a nice happy top.

decided on which birki to buy finally. after a night of struggling with my inner desires, i'm gg to get the sweet one.

which reminds me. my fren said tt i look sweet. yays.

and i decided that there's no need for me to pretend tt i'm paying attn today, afterall, i was called on tues.

good day. good mood.

hope it won't be destroyed.

i've been blog searching. you know, just going google, and typing some words that allow me to sift thru tons n tons of blogs. n i found many blogs. too fruitful a result. and it scares me.

the fact tt i found so many blogs. and how i could actually read what they'r thinking. or rather, what they are telling ppl. it's really freaky. i felt like i was...tampering with the unknown. and it is the unknown. just not all that ghostly thing. ughs. scary scary.

i wonder why poeple started searching for blogs. i searched because it was mentioned. i think someone else searched to check for his students' opinions on him. n he found out how he was nicknamed outside class. n actually had the cheek to ask her. hahahahahahaha..joke. hahah!

the accessibility of things online. too accessible.

just read the papers. the govt is planning to stop subsidising foreign workers in health care and all. they claim that they'r still reviewing. but we all know that in the end, the subsidy will stop. and i understand why. i do realise that the cost of subsidising the foreign workers add up to a v high bill. prob a tad too high to the govt. but the article talked abt how this bangladeshi worker earns $27 despite an 11-hr shift daily. a trip to the polyclinic takes $8. but a trip down WITHOUT subsidy, or going to a pte clinic, i think his day's earnings will be gone. it doesn't make sense that brats like us who get to spend more than $50 a day actually cont getting susidies, while they, despite being the ones doing the basic and necessary jobs in singapore, have to stop enjoying the subsidies even tho all they earn is prob arnd $30. we spend more than they earn in a day. we live off their hard work. and all we can do is to say that they'r taking jobs away from us, they'r taking resources away from us, and that they're a threat to us. which is weird. cox i dun ever recall hearing anyone saying that they want to be construction workers. or that they earn less than foreign workers, but work harder than them. in fact, it is recognised that crimes in singapore are mostly committed by.......*surprise surprise* singaporeans. i don't happen to think that foreign workers want to risk getting sent home and not earning money for their families, just to touch a girl's butt. maybe there'r some perves arnd, but they'r a minority. in fact, more singaporeans hanker aft girls' butts than foreign workers.

i will not pretend that i agree with the main reason for the detraction of subsidies for foreign workers. cox i think that the $18 million the govt pays for them annually for subsidising them in polyclinics, cannot and will not exceed how the foreign workers contributed to singapore (reports stated that foreign workers contributed to 41% of national growth in singapore in 1990s). and i don't think it'd be wise to ignore the fact that the singapore govt is rich. maybe they've other painful, heart-felt reasons, but i doubt it. i dun see why expats are given far better treatments, when it's not even proven that they actually do contribute to singapore's economy or society. they'r all foreigners, aren't they? they'r just rich enuf to buy a condo, eat at Olio Dome, and have girls hankering aft them instead. so is that why there's a discrepancy in the service and attitude they get? cox money and power attracts? they don't need subsidies. they can afford the best services available anywhere with that 6-figure pay they get monthly. the foreign construction workers NEED subsidies. their monthly pay will NOT EVER exceed 3 figures. never. ever. i don't see the need to start worshipping the foreigh construction workers, but i think it's time they get their recognition and appreciation. they left their families, to slave away for long hours, and get paltry pays. just for their families. singapore boasts to be a world-class city. yet policy decisions and govt bills are issued based on money issues. yet we're all so narrow-minded that the moment we see bangladeshi workers, we shun them( i don't deny doing that). yet we never appreciated and gave gratitude to those people who did all the shit work that we feel that we'r OVERQUALIFIED to do. so much for bring a world-class city. maybe world-class in hypocrisy.

disclaimer: these are MY opinions. never meant to defame anyone or offend anyone. have been taught to add a disclaimer given the recent spate of bloggers who are held liable for defamatory remarks. and the cases studied that show disclaimers work.