im a liar.

i lie. i made use of one problem to cover up for another issue. i am so despicable, low-down and pathetic. i think i need to run away again. and i realised that countries wont work anymore. because what is on my mind stays on my mind even if im away. and i'll just want to come back. only to want to leave again. and i don't think i can stand that kind of life. so i think i shld go far far far away. far far far away is open to interpretation. i dont think i want to talk to you, and i realised that you dont want to talk to me either. that thought went thru my mind once, and killed me. this thought came back today, and i guess, i can't say it didnt kill me but i think i've accepted the deadend we've arrived at. it is my fault, really. no, i dont mean that. i dont think i shld be blamed wholly, but i accept that it is my fault. you prob dont care and dont read, anyway. i think i'm gg to die from disappointment and this lacklustre life that cannot withstand the dashes of hopes and letdowns of expectations is eating away every single bit of me. it gnaws. and i feel the pain. but the pain keeps me alive. for now, at least. i'm trapped in every single vicious cycle imaginable, and i'm gg to lose my mind soon. one day, i'm gg to disappear. one day. i cannot wait for that day to come. things that dont happen stay in my mind. things that you dont do rips me apart.

i am shutting this blog down. im not lying abt this.

enlightment!

which comes first?

the ultimate chicken-and-egg question that i've heard for the past 1 hr boils down to whether the rule of law is needed for economic devt, or is economic devt the fundamental requirement for the flourishing of the rule of law?

well,
let me present my view.

i love to eat both chicken and egg. love.

this, of course, as all philosophical questions, will defintely lead us to another question: how do i like to eat my chicken/egg?

i want them fried, or grilled. and even though i cannot fry chicken, i can buy fried chicken, so i wanna eat fried chicken now! i can fry eggs tho! im so proud of my egg-frying skills.

so regarding the chicken or egg problem...who cares? so long as they are both edible.

i dont think im meant for law.

you're keeping me up.

im obviously not over it.

sorry.

i guess after facing up to it and admitting it, it's much more easier to get over it.

and sorry for all tt outburst.
im just being an irritating bitch.
so maybe, this calls for the shutting down of this random outlet.

fucking friendless.

right now, i have 60 online souls on my msn.
and none i can call to cry to.

i need

someone who feels and cares for me. someone to actually stand up for me. someone who understands what exactly is going through my mind and is concerned enough to march up to me, make me talk and make me cry. all i need is a friend. a friend who cares. i admit that the absence of such extreme act is my fault. i don't talk to people when im sad. and no one is psychic anyway. who, on this earth, will have an inkling about when i go all moody and emo? if that person exists, i shall marry that person immediately. regardless of gender. besides, i probably give the impression that i'm fierce, independent and utterly unbreakable, and to make things worse, i pobably encourage that mindset. i refuse to appear vulnerable nor fragile. i do not cry in front of people, and keep mum about whats bothering me. i built up this wall sub-consciously and now i realised that i have absolutely no idea how to break out of it. so, my blog is sad. i sound all depressed and melancholic. and i do not have an explanation as to why im so sad. i know why i am, but i highly doubt i'll be telling anyone soon. maybe, sub-consciously, im telling myself to be sad. who knows.

fun fact of the day!

do you know!!!!!

that malaysia has a king?

i bet you didnt!

death is spelt a,t,c,g. and b-i-o-l-o-g-y.

but its okay.
the world is saved cos the cute guy came back into my life.
he dropped law, gov and devt in asia.
to take up ocean law.
HAHAHA.
life.
this is yuan fen.

bye bye mabel leong.
please please come back in one piece.

i think

d cute guy dropped the module.
EEEE.
=(

i think you're stupid.

i know im a moron.

self-evaluation.

in line w xw's entry abt sitting down and analysing yourself, i conclude that one needs tons and tons of patience when dealing w me.

i wanted to explain why, but i realised that i shldn't insult myself in this manner. cos the 1st line tt i typed revealed just how bratty and unreasonable i am. damn.

but yeah, i really honestly think that i wont be able to stand myself if i meet myself. life.

BUT I LOVE ME.
i just dont love meeting me.
someone lk me better not exist.

donuts.

i never lked donuts.
now im a convert.
i really really really really wanna eat donuts.

biotech law.

why the hell am i taking biotech law, when my 2 yrs in jc were wholly dedicated to literature, and the 2 yrs i took science in cedar, i was doing physics and chemistry?

i no know bio.

i know death.

this is the polaroid shot we took at clar's party! we went down (well, at least, i, angie, roy, apple and izzy) damn late..lk, when the party was ending. hahahahaha...but as roy put it, it's our culture.

anyhow, this is a damn nice shot. even w angie's mouth open. HAHAHAHAH.

i adopted this shot, so its mine! HA!

there was another one, where i zhao keng-ed, so i left it behind. eeks.

equations.

i think happy people are actually lonely and sad, but happy on the surface.
- from eric's blog.

i agree w eric. happy people are usually putting up a front.
but if this is so, doesn't that mean that most are sad?

sad ppl put up a front to be happy, but happy ppl won't pretend that they are sad.

so, minus those ppl who are really happy happy, which i'd say may be 10% of the whole world, that would mean that 90% of the world (whether or not they look happy) are sad souls.

life.
can be so much better.
so so so much better.

harsh reality.

ive had harsh words thrown my way. really harsh ones. maybe i wanted to read those words as a glimmer of hope, but it's abt time i stop fooling myself. the words tell me that i'm stupid and need to stop. it could be read of cos, that i shld really go try.

but i can't. because i know you. i know who i am. and i know you.

beatrice fendi wong!

this is beat!

cute ang moh

i love this cute ang moh in law, gov n devt class.

and hes not cute cos of his accent. hes just cute. swoon.

great sem to come.

im in class. and am falling aslp.

i couldn't slp last night and my head is hurting. it doesn't help that my fantastic day is gg to end at 930 pm.

the bus i took broke down today. so i went down the bus. and the freaking bus DROVE off. freak man.

wad a fantastic way to start the sem. so much for being hardworking.

by the way, this class has a cute brit who has a cute accent. the brit is only cute cos of the accent.

and i spoke to china ppl. i power.

I DESTROYED THE WASHING MACHINE AT HOME.

i better be able to slp by 10 pm tonight. else im gg to kill ppl on monday.

a geek.

AND PROUD OF IT.

random.

maybe you moved on, so i should move on too.

and yeah, i guess i really do not deserve to be sad.

im a bitch. forgive me.

i really cant stand this shit again. the ppl who irritate the hell out of me need to disappear. but they wont. not anytime soon, anyway.

i shall go and hide myself for a week.

by the way, i really really dislk how i measure things. but i can't stop. and i think its accurate. maybe thats why i dun lk it.

pizzzzza.

the pizzas in aussie are fantastic larrrrrrrrr. seriously damn good. i love their pizzas. pizza hut needs to do something man.

the 2 pizzas were from kookabara (i dunno how to spell, but its d lil bird. u know..the one abt how its sitting on the old gum tree, merry merry king of the bush is he..) cafe.

by the way, we kept singing this song after that. we, meaning mel n i.



this is the spicy ham and banana pizza.

sounds a bit off, but i assure you, its d best pizza i've ever ever had.






and, since i wanted to be adventurous with food, and i was NOT gg to order kangaroo filet as entree, i got this: potato and lamb pizza.

which was damn good.

by the way, both pizzas prob had better names. i just can't rem them.


boo. now im hungry, and craving.

boat ride

well, this is us on the boat ride. its their river taxi. as in, really river taxi. ppl travel from one stop to another; and we just took one round trip and froze to death outside.

you can see us cuddling, posing, eyeing each other and seeking warmth (i was not crying. i just needed warmth.) and the pretty pair of shoes that mel lent me after i brought the beach home in my pumps (refer to previous post). pretty right! but they were too big for me!

and this is the pretty view from the ride. which is obviously different from what you get in sg. the pics aren't big, but i doubt u care anyway. and, at least u see the change in skylines and sky colour. and, ive no idea why i put the pic of mel n sam in the collage as well, but hey, i survived them, and viceversa. kudos to us all.

this is us when we trooped to the glow worm farm. but er, dont expect any pics of glow worms. hahahahaha...we only took pics beyond d wine cellar. which, by the way, sells terrific wine that is oh-so-sweet.

i cant believe im crying cos of you.
i cant believe how small i feel.

news.

i am so selfish.
i read the news, and the happenings arnd the world only when my world is crumbling.

i could pretend that reading the news, abt how a woman had an operation to get a pencil out of her head; how the south asian floods are receding but fears remain; and how 19 iraqi children just died, remind me constantly that what i face aren't nearly as fatal nor threatening as someone else in another part of the world. that my problems are miniscule.

but that would be lying.
n i need to stop lying to myself.

cos tonight, i read the news just so that i could escape from my life.

dont read.

i dunno how i manage to feel so small, insignificant and pathetic so frequently. i have no idea why i feel this way. okay, maybe i do, but i do not understand why there's so much difference. i cannot, for the life of me, figure out what is wrong with me. why is it that something, that can make me so happy. end up destroying my last bit of confidence and joy? how is it possible for such extremes to exist in my life?

so what do i do now? i've tried so many ways. i've tried so many times. and each time, i fail and get more entangled. for every single time i lie to myself, i killed my last bit of dignity. i've no idea how much more dignity there is for me to destroy.

so each time i grow silent on you, forgive me. i'm just wondering what's next.

important.

Q. Does cracking your knuckles cause damage or arthritis?

A. The idea that knuckle cracking promotes arthritis was brought to you by the same old wives who warned that eyes can stay crossed and palms can grow hairy. No, there is no evidence that cracking your knuckles causes arthritis.

When you bend or pull your fingers, you stretch the lubricant between joints called synovial fluid. In a process known as “cavitation,” bubbles form in the fluid and then burst. There is some relief and increased mobility when the bubbles make that satisfying pop, which helps explain the compulsion to do it again.

Damage other than arthritis is possible but unconfirmed. You could overextend the ligaments, like a baseball pitcher with a bad elbow, and you may lose some grip strength. Other than that, the biggest threat is from the people you are driving insane.

from msn.

mabel's grandma/randomancestor

-censored-

or at least, both rich n i think so.

ehh mabel leong! look lk u right!

given how mabel leong objected to d prev pic, heres another pic.

cooking.

i've this bad bad bad bad feeling..
that i really honestly cannot cook at all.

my 1st foray into making soup is a total flop.
OH WELL!

insomnia.

on days/nights/dawns when i realised that the longer i lie on my bed, the more awake i get,

i do NOT need to be reminded that my body clock is screwed.
yet again.

thanks.
but no thanks.

i so feel lk cancelling every single thing that is on today.

sigh.

simpsons!

i just watched that show, and i think its absolutely hilarious. it's a riot, and i think ppl shld go watch it. and i love spider-pig. love love love.

bloody planes.

i'd think, with the advancement in technology and sg's wealth to be able to purchase the best defense equipment from US, that the fighter planes would be quieter.

you know, all the better to sneak into countries at night with, and gain an upperhand.

BUT NO!
IT HAS TO BE FUCKING LOUD AND ALTHOUGH IM DAMN SURE THEY DON'T TAKE 10 MINUTES TO FLY PAST MY HOUSE, THE NOISE THEY PRODUCE HAPPENS TO LAST LK..15 MINUTES.

wtf.

come on.
stop getting defected goods from US.

good news!

i think im starting to hate you.

on a side note, ocean law n policy in asia has a grand total of 6 students in class. WTF!

pui.

=(

wo. underpaid.

where the clouded senses hid behind a fog.

mockery.

the amount of effort i put in is one huge joke.
a complete, total joke.
only because i suspect that (and most prob happens to be true anyway) it meets minimal effort.

pui. fuck.

how is it possible to have 2 young adults, who are supposedly experienced in relationships, act lk pri 3 kids in their interaction with each other? you ignored me, so i shall ignore you.

what happened to the good old communication? what's up with all this spiteful action and childish behaviour? it is probably extremely difficulte and requires quite a bit of courage to be honest, but when you are in a relationship, shouldn't u be honest? shouldn't u at least attempt to trust the other party and think the best of him/her?

if you can't, just drop the relationship. and spare each other the pain you inflict upon each other in your quest for victory because of your pride and ego. the pain you end up inflicting upon yourself too.

go away.

i don't know what my silence says, but...you asshole.

quote.

I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar.

what a nice quote. and i think it's true too.

courtesy of mabel leong who told me abt the quote.

beach?

want to go.
now.

this is a bad addiction.
pui.

dreams.

mabel said that when i dream, im not getting restful sleep.

well, yeah. i need a method that would prevent my brain from going into hyperactivity at the wrong time of the day (or, night).

but, dreaming's better than not slping anytime, eh.

daidee!

before i went over to brisbane, my skills in daidee fall into the category "lack of". i played before, but i just cant seem to rem the rules.

but it all changed when i went to brisbane.

i played daidee EVERYNIGHT.

even at the beach. hahahahahaha. and some random pancake place.

seeeee.. the beach. its actually really really really pretty. and damn damn cold, cos of the sea breeze. and yours truly wore pumps, and happened to be smart enuf to contemplate walking on the beach barefoot. AND actually proceeded to do so. only to realise that my feet were gg to drop off anytime soon. then, i wore my pumps and walked..and brought back the entire beach to mel's place.

ehh..thats me distributing daidee cards.

and we bought lil pin badges that are damn cute. (i bought a kenny one! HAHAHA! so cute. omg) all of us bought this random spade badge to pay tribute to daidee, the game that got us through boring moments in life. and we posed w it. and for the lone kershia who played and was nv w us, we bought one for her and saved a spot for her in our pic!

here goes:

pardon my lousy skills, kersh.

rachael yamagata

i can imagine her singing her songs with a soft smile of resignation.

her songs are really quite depressing.

woah.

im actually really really amazed at how people can blog such long posts. i really respect them. mainly because my short attention span makes it impossible. and the lack of literary ability and skills make it long posts almost non-existent.

i've half a mind to blame my secondary school years, where i spent most of my time in school copying (ie. summarising) someone else's work. maybe thats why i tend to summarise things in one line, or better yet, one word. (like, sigh.)

well, how random can my blog get right?
apparently, very random.

as elusive as it sounds, i think karma is finally catching up with me.

and i highly think karma is gg to destroy me. evil karma.

in all bimbo-ness and pink bubblegum pop-tic..

britney spears was damn hot lar.
and damn pretty.
shes seriously smoking hot.
goodness.

then she got married.
wth.

what if

i can't run away from you?

does that spell the end of me?

imagination.

where your mind races, and creates images and scenarios that you know, for sure, would never ever happen. where you know that for your own sake, you need to stop. but you can't.

when A happens, I would do B and then C would be the result.

its good to imagine. but not on overdose. not when you draw up pictures of bliss and contentment in your mind on a daily basis, on an hrly basis. not when you know that those pictures are too far from the real world.

i love to imagine things.
the only trouble is..i can't stop imagining now.

equation.

with the realisation that all is but a fairytale, comes the resignation that all is but unattainable.

you.

im gonna run away from you.

air ticket.

its so blardy cheap to fly frm sg to bangkok...
that i feel lk flying there now.

omggg.

cedar.

cos of zah's post and the night w beatrice, i was reminded of how much fun i had when i was in cedar.

the school was fantastic.
the friends were fabulous.
the memories are unreplaceable.

if theres one education i'd do all over again, i'd choose the secondary years.
and if theres one school i had never regretted attending, its cedar.
wooooo.

enlightenment again.

all of a sudden, everyone seems to see the light somewhere.

wad can i say?
maybe im just jumping on the bandwagon.
but hey, i hope this last enlightenment is it.
this is it.
i hope.

okay, heres d brave attempt to blog abt brisbane.
this is mel's house! which i lovingly labelled "nua paradise", because truly, it's one place where its decorated with the single aim to make ppl nua.

the lower floor is dimly lit, and could be misinterpreted as romantic, but i swear, dim-lit places are the best places to nua.

the upper floor is fully carpeted starting from the staircase, and if carpets aren't another word for nua, i don't know what is.

here's us nua-ing. and obviously, for our own sake, we decided to hide. we were nua-ing in our pyjamas lar. its not good to be captured in your pyjamas in the day. especially hrs after you woke up. albeit one, at most two.

SEE! even d cat loves to nua. power.

by the way, i love this cat. love. bella.

SHE IS SO ADORABLE. *SWOON*
some mornings, i wake up to her purring. i don't know why its so loud, but its really loud. and shes married to samuel wong. somehow. and shes full of samuel-ings. the spawns. i went on a holiday with a monster.

let me show you the monster and the friend.

i just realised how apt my title of the pic is.
the monster and the friend. HAHAHAHAHA.
goodness.

by the way, i think im brave enuf for the night.

jing says (20:41):
why happy

little miss happy. says (20:42):
cos it has been an awesome week!

little miss happy. says (20:42):
and my fav law person is back!

SHE'S TALKING ABT ME! //smug.

dont read if u're ultra sensitive to vulgar language.
if u choose to, don't lecture me on it.



you're so fucking stupid. you and your arrogance needs to get a slap so that you can return to earth. your friends dont give a fuck about you when you're in search of a roof for a life time and they won't kill themselves just to feed you. your friends cannot be bothered if you need to live off them for the rest of ur life. your friends prob want you to be as stupid as they are so that they won't feel inferior. or maybe you decided to sink to their level to fit in. if so, then you're really hopeless. your friends won't worry about you constantly, because they cannot be bothered to. your friends make you happy but your friends won't try their best to give you the best life they think you deserve. your friends won't fucking reproach themselves for being unable to make your life comfortable nor feel inferior about themselves. your friends won't be crushed when you stare at them with hatred. your friends won't cry over you. you and your fucking useless bunch of friends should just be exterminated so that maybe, just maybe, there could be a glimpse of joy and the load, burden, worries, frustrations, unhappiness would disappear miraculously. but that won't happen. you won't disappear. your disappearance would be no good. you shld never been born. i hope that went through your mind. cos its going through mine. you fucking loser.

apparently staring at a computer after crying is the best way to kill ur eyes. pui.

sigh.

i need some wind.

and i think this stupid blog is just a cry for attention, so i think everyone shld just stop reading it.

ughs.
i feel so bloody whiney.
i wanna get out.

i hate packing.

without any single doubt.

of replacements.

who dares to say that you're irreplaceable?
in anyone's life.

does replacement mean that someone else fufills the "functions" you once did? that person took over your jobs and duties. is that how ppl are replaced and displaced? the transfer of obligations and rights.

or does replacement mean that the particular someone took up the space once occupied by you? be it in the mind or in the heart. that your spot is claimed by another? is that what ppl mean by being replaced?

or does it indicate that the memories are all gone? or rather, the memories of a particular place that once belonged to you you now has someone else as the main character and you as some random person?

well, the degree of how easy it is to be replaced obviously depends on the definitions attached.

no particular reason for this post.
just struck me.

and i think its bloody sad how i have to explain the source of my blog posts.
its my blog, for fuck's sake.
ughs.

us.

i have a folder in my pictures labelled "us".
and i think its a terrific label.
"us."

because we all know that no one in this world is indispensable.
we won't die just because someone leaves us.
well not no one, but most aren't.

but we all know, that without some people, we won't be happy.
we won't die.
but we won't be living.
so what is the point.

so now, i present "us".
the people who make my life good.
the people who make up my life.

warning: unflattering pics ahead. do not count on them for actual representation of people mentioned. in no way should the following collage be used for any other purposes other than by the 4 people who went through those experiences. rely on this picture at your own risk. AND PAY ME IF YOU'RE COPYING THIS PIC. i deserve copyright fees.

internship.

and so today, i conclude my stint of internship at SPH.

it's been one good experience. besides doing "real" work, i had tons of fun with the bunch of people working here.
if every single working experience is THIS good, i don't think it's possible for people to claim that working isn't fun. because, i had fun.

not just with work, knowing that i drafted many many agreements (they obviously went through quality control and supervision before anyone else saw them) of various subject matters.
plus, i played spider solitaire and chatted while attempting to work.
andddd, sph provides sooo many newspapers for me to read daily.

i had fun talking and mingling with the department.
during lunches.
during snack times.
during breakfast when i double as a delivery girl.
and random moments of the day when they start making random plans.
fantastic group of people.
love them.
love this internship.

WHOOPIE.
i love the fact that im ending this intership more.

conclusion.

i really really do not lk singapore shows.
its stupid.
predictable.
bland.
lame.

question!

if i stop drinking water,
and my body lacks water,
will the tears stop?

suddenly.

i just wanna go to the airport.
not fly off on a plane.
i wanna go there.
sit somewhere.
then go home.

im hungry.

i grew wings on your back.
i planted a halo atop your head.
i gave your look a softer touch.
i made your touch warmer.
i instilled that extra glow in your smile.
i harvested a gentle touch in you.

today.
i reward myself with the truth.

australia!

i am officially excited!
WOOHOOOOOO!

i promise myself that i'll nv be so stupid again.
really.

i do lk long hair...

but not yours.
don't swish your hair around in the morning and brush it against everyone's (esp mine) arm.
it is bloody disgusting.
i could look on the bright side and think that your hair is clean.
but compared to the morning sun, you are so not the bright side.
pui.
disgusting ppl.
tie your hair n keep it to yourself.

love.

"you don't know cos you are not in love".

well, so i guess not being in love doesn't let me understand you. understand why spending all available time together is that important. understand why all waking moments must be spent knowing where the other is. understand why there is a need to live each other's lives and forfeit everything else.

love is exclusive?

well, excuse me, but i love my friends too. in your opinion, my love for my friends may not be superior or even on par with ur love (eros). but let's wait and see. let's see whose love lasts longer.

i do not think your love (eros) is more important than my love. and i do not think that your love (eros) is worth the distance. i personally, do not take distance well. because distance ends up with people being distant. and when distance and distant set in, i move on. i may turn around, occassionally. but only to remind myself that all im doing is to respect your/your whoever's choice, and to respect myself.

please do not expect me to hang around until you get bored of each other and need some random soul to cheer you up before you run to me. because by then, i might already be missing in your life. and the moment im missing in your life, you might see me smile. but that smile is not of reassurance. that smile is to tell you that im surviving well without being in love. and to tell you that im happy. and that you shld not run to me, because all i'll do is smile. i won't cry for you. i swear i wont.

yes i am detached.
and detached i will be.

i am not angry.
i am actually amused.

may your exclusive love conquer all in your path.
pardon my inadequacy.

stupidity personified.

i really find it amazing that ppl think im hard-hearted, cruel and uncaring. because i ALWAYS end up in situations where i do things out of pure obligations or crudely put, out of pity/sympathy/guilt/allkindsofemotionalblackmail.

and each time such situations occur, and i assure you, there are plenty in my life, i end up fulfilling that particular obligation and put myself through endless (well, at least till i get home) torture.

the mental torture of knowing that i was too fucking stupid/soft/weak/indecisive/loser to say no.
the physical torture of knowing that i would be so much happier at home or wherever i wanna be.
the pure torture of doing what i don't wanna do and not being able to do what i want.

ugh.

i am stupidity personified.
wear me on ur shirt.

morning run.

i swear
the run in heels TO the bus interchange, BACK home and THERE again in the hot sun
plus
the wait in the hot sun
plus
the run to SPH in the hot sun

means

i lost all the weight i put on while working
and
i need to bathe damn badly
and
i love slippers now
and
hou yi shld have shot the last sun
and
SPH needs better aircons to attend to needs lk these..

ramblings.

if you fail me time and again,
it shld come as no surprise that i'll end up locking you out.

anyway, im damn irked by the singtel student plan advertisement abt free speech.
darling, free speech is NOT talking nonsense w ur friend on the phone.
youstupidgoon.
get your facts right before you advertise.
ugh. i have no patience for idiots.

new theory.

maybe people watch korean dramas or random tearjerker shows so that they can cry along w the movie.

and need not explain to anyone else abt why they cry.

SMART NOT!

question!

how can questioning everything in ur life be good for you?

SHOPPING!

today, i braved the crowds in town so that i could abide by this unwritten rule in my dept. the rule requires me to MAKE a present for all my colleagues. SO i trooped to spotlight. and spotlight is so overpriced lar. seriously. this stupid memory box that's tiny costs $12.95. and the entire range of the memory boxes that are from 3.5 inches to 8 inches and dunno-how-many inches ALL COST THE SAME. how retarded is that. im officially boycotting spotlight.

anyhow. instead of buying materials to make presents, i ended up couquering various spots.

lk pazzion.

this is my very 1st purchase/victory item from the GSS.
IT IS ONLY $38!!!!!!!!
cos it was on 50% off.
HAAHAHA! //smirk.
woohooo. im so blardy happy abt this!

AND..

heh! i bought a new dress from dorothy perkins!
its so prettttttty!
cept that its not on sale. even tho its GSS.
so stupid lar.
and its too big for me, so i think i'll zhao keng.
but whatever lar.
i LIKE!
its so pretty.

sometimes

i would like to think that the world is fair.

so if you have your off days, im ENTITLED to have mine.
so fuck off.

i am so leaving you behind.

if can i have things my way PART 2

im gg to run to an island and stay there for the rest of my life.

maybe the one where they dumped jack sparrow in the 1st movie.

diesel sweeties

(i cant believe im reading comics online and posting some random comic during work.. tsk. its all xw's fault)

actually, in the 2nd box, the toaster turns into a robot/transformer thingy.

LOVE THE COMIC!

I F I K I S S E D Y O U

Written by Corrinne May Ying Foo
Copyright 2001, Corrmay Gourmet Music (ASCAP)

If I kissed you
Would fireworks fly
Would angels sing with lollipops
Would dinosaurs cry

Would babies all gurgle
in laughter and surprise
If I kissed you.

If I kissed you
What would Michaelangelo say
Would he still have sculpted David
Would we be immortalized in clay
Would the poets write of love like ours
Would John Donne have his say
If I kissed you

You could be one in a million
You could be the one for me
But l guess I'll never know if I never try
I guess I'll just have to grab you in my arms
and kiss you.

If I kissed you
Would you lose track of time
Would you feel a surge of happiness
Running up your spine
Would you run naked in the street
with a tattoo of my name on your behind
If I kissed you.

Oh, if I kissed you
Yeah, if I kissed you.

damn nice song.
and no, im not hinting to anyone.

if i can have my way,

im gg to lock the stupid security guard up.

asshole.

no.

i am not lying to myself.

i am not.

don'tdoubtme.

if theres one thing that nv fails to grab my attention..

it's soccer.

soccer well-played.
woohoooooo!

i love watching soccer.
and i love the guys playing soccer.
some anyway.
some random few.

spongebob squarepants.

on my way to work daily, i get damn irritated by the stupid advertisement for spongebob musical.
it actually has stupid kids in makeup SHAKING VIOLENTLY from side-to-side to the tuneless noise spongebob employs as its anthem/theme/song.

and today, i heard the most apt phrase for it.
during its advertisement.
it said "nautical nonsense".
and its an advertisement for spongebob.

well, i certainly can't fault it for its honesty mannnnn.

p.s. thanks seow. for letting me blog this down. you know how you helped.

kaka

this man is so worth my struggle to stay awake during work tmr..

swoon swoon.

idontfuckingknowwhatskeepingmeup.

the unexplainable.

so many things have no rationale, no reason, no explanation.

lk the disappointment that is welling up inside of me.

of epiphany.

we cry cos we were hurt.
we cry cos someone betrayed us.
we cry cos of the pain inflicted upon us.
we cry cos we were accused, maligned, cheated, misunderstood.....
we cry for us.

but i cry for you.
because what you do goes unrecognised.
because you are misunderstood.
because you are dear.

tell me...

how much must you like someone before that becomes love?

must it be reciprocated?
must it be forever?
must it be without expectations?

is there even love to begin with?

conversation.

me (to myself): i need a credit card.
bro: to buy the air tickets?
me: no? to shop online.
bro: WHAT! AND TO THINK I THOUGHT U WANTED TO BUY AIR TICKETS?! JUST TO SHOP ONLINE? *&^%$#

his reaction is too big mannnn.
and i really need a credit card to shop.
or maybe i shld just dig out someone's number (which i think is kept in msn history logs) to purchase those damn goods.

newspaper

i think its best not to read the newspapers.

it gives me depression each time i read it.

comments

im thoroughly convinced that having a compulsory module to have students learn abt patriotism and force them to love the country is the exact way to make the students hate the country (well, not that extreme, but u get wad i mean) for attempting to brainwash them. so japan, learn from...other countries.

learn that if you realise your citizens are smart enough,they'll realise the merits and advantages of your country instead of you having to brainwash them into soulless lil robots.

in any case, everytime i read the newspaper, i wanna comment on so many things.

lk early NS enlistment. for troubled kids? go NS? hello. i know army means discipline, but for troubled kids who do not even have a 'O' level cert, they are def gonna be doing nth in there, and then theres all that stupid hooligans/punks/morons who bring other morons to geylang and all that junk. and the troubled kids are probably that impressionable to get into trouble to begin with anyway, so whats not to stop them from having other vices.
so NO NO tapping in others' wireless. but YES to potential vices like prosituting and getting AIDS.

okay, its too early in the morning.
i need to rest.

=(

i feel lk kenny's dad.

and for everyone's sake (esp mine),
i hope no one figures out what that means.

shrug.

and what am i supposed to do?
why do i always manage to get myself into situations where im fucking stuck right in the middle?
im sorry the world operates like that.
im glad the Earth is dying.

austral-ass-ia.

im getting all angsty and troubled at this time of the night when i shld be settling down for bed.
pui.

i think i've had too much influx abt australia already.
im getting all pissed and irritated abt it.

i conclude...

... that my colleagues are really fun ppl. altho they're old (but not really that old), they are so much fun to be around. not in the crazy kinda way, but the chirpy kinda way. well, i guess its a good thing to be in a small department, cos everyone knows everyone else. it's quite a jolly thing to go to work, actually. surprisingly. i mean, i konw i whine a lot abt gg to work. its actually the fact that im not slping that is irritating. otherwise, im quite okay. im even happy trooping arnd in d morning. i just need to slp when i want to. and it obv doesn't help that i don't slp properly at night. ugh.

... that my family's quite fantastic. prob a bit different from others. okay, definitely different from your ideal, perfect family, but im happy (sometimes). different or dysfunctional. i choose different today. im in quite a good mood. heh. and i love the extended family too. not that they are perfect, again. but, they are so heart-warming. most of them, anyway. some shld just go roll into their lil corners n pretend that they don't exist.

... that my life isn't that bad. except that i wanna eat at astons now. i need a piece of meat to chomp on. and i wanna eat some nice, frothy cake. and i want ice cream. and bubble tea. and fish soup. and bak chor mee. and hokkien mee (this is angie's fault). and char kway teow.

... that my brisbane plan is finally finally falling into place. and i just had this fantastically hilarious blooper abt something. hahahahahaha... its okay! life's still good! its okay. i shall ignore that stupid bit of me. its not lk im d only one who thought that way ANYWAYYYYYY.

... that i wanna buy shoes. and dresses. and bags. and tops. and pants. and shorts. and maybe an entirely new wardrobe.

... that i just want to be able to slp well tonight.

i shall go make a call now!

inspirations

right now, i really feel like cooking. altho, i've never cooked in my entire life except for random bowls of maggi mee and frying eggs (WHICH I HAPPEN TO BE DAMN PROUD OF). in any case, angie's excitement for EVERY single meal she prepares is rubbing off me. her excitement usually makes me hungry. but tonight, i feel so domesticated. i actually feel like cooking as well. woooo! exciting. i shall dedicate one day to cooking after i leave the wretched place that has this impression that aircon is free. seriously, i wear 3 layers to work, and still feel damn cold. wth.

and i like the little observations i have in my daily conversations/communication/whatever. well, i like some of them anyway. not all, since some will def irk me. but hey, some make me smile. a bit too widely, but they really do make me smile. it's quite a funny thing, isn't it. to smile at a memory. if the memory is good, and the present is good, then all's good. but if the memory is superb, and the present is lk shit, then....well....common sense says that at this time, there will be sighs and tears and what-nots.

the hours i spent at work (tho admittedly better than some individuals. most individuals) gave me a chance to reflect. maybe it's the silence, or random bouts of it, that made me write. well, it'd not a bad way to start writing again. on notepads. maybe i shldn't have stopped then. maybe. but yah, hmmm. maybe i really have too much time. so much time that i spend the bulk of it thinking abt stupid random things and write them down. okay. they aren't stupid and random. they happen to be damn impt. oh well.

i sincerely hope no one bothered to read this post due to its length. cos this is one stupid post. i wanted to say that its different frm wad i'd normally say. my usual front. but then again, i don't know why people like to categorise someone else so much. look at the headlines "IN PRIVATE: FAMILY MAN; IN PUBLIC:RUTHLESS KILLER". seriously, there are so many facets to someone that it is bloody irritating for the paper to imply that WOAHHHH SURPRISE SURPRISE! SOMEONE IN THIS WORLD ACTUALLY HAS 2 SIDES TO HIM. why do u think we'r 3d and not 2d anyway. wth. why can't someone be a doting daddy and be laundering money? maybe hes laundering money cos hes a doting dad.

im getting all angsty and incoherent. pui.

my new love.

behold my love!
he is the one who makes me smile.
he is the one who cheers me up.
he is the one who brightens up my office.
he is the one who resides in my heart.
woo hooo.
lurve!

and im so blardy underpaid.

don't read this.

i've a thousand n one issues right now.

what is the fucking point of having many buses of the same service travelling with one another? does a bus need a companion too? do bus drivers have lk...walkie-talkies to communicate w the nx bus driver? is that why shy and reserved bus drivers have to drive together even tho they'r supp to be serving the SAME crowd at DIFFERENT times? lk hello? don't u ever fucking realise that ppl hate to wait when its so fucking hot and when they'r hungry? are u scared driving the bus alone? are u afraid cos u've so many lives in ur hands?

andddd. it is bloody obvious that the courtesy campaign in singapore failed terribly. seriously. i think it makes PERFECT sense that if you're gonna take public transport, the least you can do is to make sure u don't stink. i don't even ask for you to smell good. just don't fucking stink up the entire bus when its at its most congested. leave ur coconut oil and/or dirty clothes behind. invest in a deodorent. they are unbelievably cheap. bathe properly. bathe frequently. no one else needs to sniff ur musky smell. u don't have to mark ur territory with ur stench. if need be, TAKE A FUCKING TAXI. SUBJECTING ONE POOR SOUL TO THAT ODOUR IS SO MUCH MORE CONSIDERATE THAN LETTING AN ENTIRE BUS FULL OF PASSENGERS WINCE. fuck. i hate smelly people.

and how the hell am i gg to find a fren who will fly to brisbane w me? and then let me go off w mel? what kind of a condition is that? i happen to think im capable and independent enough to take a stupid airplane. hopefully it crashes when im on it.

ughs.

glamorous.

or the exact opposite.

i realised, after 21 years, that i really happen to be damn unglam. it's not just how i sit at my lil corner at work, it's how i think and behave generally. glamour is more than strutting around in pretty clothes.

but hey, guess what. although i don't have pretty clothes, someone said i walked lk a princess when i was in cedar. HAHA! although he might be referring to how bratty and bitchy i looked in the mornings, let's all be nice and see how princesses are supposed to be all elegant! and i was in my cedar uniform! yays!

and i realised that no matter how much i try to write a long entry, i can't.
i can't write at all.
i really happen to be really bad at literature.
no skill no skill. my entries are short and in point form. hmmm. how sad.
i was, afterall, a literature student, and i can't write to save my ass.
ugh.

and im scared.
of you.
and everyone else.

work's actually quite good.
i mean, other than the unforgivable fact that i can't slp in and can't slp at all, i'm really starting to like work.
because they're funny, and i discovered that hey, law teaches damn a lot of stuff that ppl are struggling to learn in the office.
well, i guess all that trees that are killed have some worth in them.
at least i now know that, no matter how useless law seems, it really isn't.

oh well.
let's all pray that i slp tonight!

whine

i feel lk a blob of fats right now.

but i wanna eat.
i want chips. ruffles' cheese and sour cream.
and chicken wings. bbqed ones please.
and ice cream. haagen's rumraisin on a cone.
and milkshake. island creamery's brandied cherry.

and i can't f-ing slp.
the horrors of a new week at work are keeping me wide awake.

samm says (04:14):
i'm into manly soldiers

MOMENT OF TRUTH!
//omg.

smirk

i thank God for a friend like you, because everytime i talk to you, i need to remind myself, it's you i'm talking to, and because you're such a special friend.. =) hahaha.. you're loved *hug

thats from roy! yays. (i just don't lk the "i need to remind myself" bit)

pui

regrets.
i wish i didnt agree to go sph.
i wish i dont need to work.
i wish i had all the time in the world to hibernate.
i wish i could be an owl happily.
i wish.

if i conjure up any more random images

i am going to live among the clouds soon.

itsnotstress

to all you concerned friends

i know theres a theory that i can't slp at night cos i was stressed over the exams.
i can safely tell you now, that it is NOT true.

simply because i am still awake NOW.
at 630 am.

pui man.
pui big time.

artistic talent

mine remains hidden

ee

angie just told me that its this law school thingy to not be able to slp at night.
her friend apparently slps frm noon-evening, and stay up all night and can't change his body clock back since forever.

now im really scared.

&^%$#@!^&*()*&^%$#@!

pui.

guilt.

guilt just set in.
from the midnight tang yuan,
century egg porridge (which i didn't finish cos the egg REALLY stank and there was pork. goodness heavens. ppl really need to stop eating the smelliest meat of them all man)
sugarcane drink (that had lotsa pulp)
large popeye's mashed potato (its freaking salty. but i lk.)
and coke.

woah.
let me do my victory dance as a pig.

i so can do with more nights lk that man.

love (& manifestations) part 2.

yays!

i love love kershia!

love (and its many manifestations)

its the lil acts that make u feel loved!

and extremely bratty.

but i like! :D

pui

i hate those nights..
when you're damn tired..
but you just can't slp.

you yawn.
you tear.
your head hurts.
and you still can't slp.

pui.

and im actually watching 300 AGAIN.
omg.

the best solution when one is feeling damn sian...

is to call someone.

thank God for the many(some) people i can call/make them call me in my life.

text twist!

woo hooo!
my latest text twist score is 107,970!
im pro mannnnn.
for all of u who don't know wad text twist is...
read "text twist" properly.
isnt it obvious enuf?
if u still don't know...go kill urself.

celebrations part 1

this is seafood platter for 1 at fish&co!!!

this is to congratulate me on finishing equity.

this is to award me for being able to stay awake for the whole paper without slping for d night.

this is to celebrate the end of equity (and essentially the end of exams since public law is killer)

this is to soothe my pain from the equity paper.

this is to remind me that life is still beautiful, and tat im not THAT deprived.

on a side note, the platter for 1 shrunk.

im actually still hungry after eating it.

tsk.

lousy.

the day science fails.

d earliest i've went to bed for the past weeks happens to be 5 am.

and in view of how Equity's paper at 9 am (LATER ON! AND IM STILL BLOGGING NOW),
i decided to beg for slping pills from roy. (refer to previous entry)
so i popped 2 pills at 930 last night.
so that i could slp by 10.
and wake up at 7.
perfect plan eh.

cept that i miscalculated the fact that my body clock is beyond hope.
screwed beyond hope.
medicine can't defeat my body clock.
science failed me.
pui.

let me go drown myself in coffee.

death

i swear im courting death.

last night, i watched 300.
tonight, i watched twister.

..............................
say your goodbyes to me, law friends!

ishallbeahairdresserwhenigetkickedoutoflawschool.

loveee

i love you, roy!

for the macs meal at this time.
AND the slping pills!

much love!

you can be my dearest love of the night!

im hungry and i want steak.

i think my handwriting's really nice.

im blardy grumpy as of this moment.
whine whine whine whine whine.

last monday night, i sent a sms that read:
"hello! :) lets have a popiah + roy's port party on thurs night at lump's place! u'll be wrapping ur own popiah with cooked ingredients, and roy this is a HUGE hint! reply."

tonight,
in anticipation of tmr night....
i present a list of ... beverages.

1) roy's port
2) fun's blue absolut
3) sammi's choc mint baileys
4) seow's johnny walker
5) lump's rum (rhyme rhyme!)
6) lump's choya
7) lump's beer
8) lump's contrieau
basically, lump's dad finances our.......water parade. =)

yays!
so much for a popiah party man.

we are the new AA - alcoholics alliance.
no longer anonymous.
love you, uncle.

current addiction:
Be Be Your Love - Rachael Yamagata

I could take you away
Pretend I was queen
What would you say
Would you think I'm unreal
'Cause everybody's got their way I should feel

Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

Want to be your everything
Everything...

Everything's falling, and I am included in that
Oh, how I try to be just okay
Yeah, but all I ever really wanted
Was a little piece of you

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

Everything will be alright
If you just stay the night
Please, sir, don't you walk away,
don't you walk away, don't you walk away
Please, sir, don't you walk away,
don't you walk away, don't you walk away

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
I want to be your love, love, love

I decided!

that for public law,
I shall depend on thio li ann. and her tutorials.

and I realised!
(during my facial this afternoon)

that I act chummy, but don't confide.
I make noise. I don't talk.

that I need to stop drinking water.
because lying on a bed, with a mask on, and wanting to pee damn badly...is one damn bad experience.

that I need to move on with my life.
cos no one will stop.

that I really hate studying.
no explanation needed.

that I love facials
cos of that massage, and mask.
but only if I don't want to pee.

and that I should start to respect myself and see my self-worth.
not because of what I don't have, but because of what I have.
KALYN LIANG! READ THIS BIT CAREFULLY.

how many times
does it take
for your heart to die
before it can be pronounced
dead?

text twist is evil.

just say that i shld go get lunch myself.

don't fucking tell me
that BECAUSE i slpt past YOUR lunch time
you gave my lunch up to someone else.

given the time i slpt
i should fucking slp past dinner time too.

i think its time for you to go away.

bye bye.

the mere mention of the beach makes me want to go to the beach again.

just for the wind.
that only happens to blow at 2 plus am.

or the waves.
and the soothing sound of them crashing agst the shore.

BUT
given my blardy grand plan of tackling
1 chapter a day
and the fact that
i do not have sufficient days
plus
how i cannot sit still for more than 15 minutes
resulting in
me still trying to understand cases at 4 am.

the beach seems too unattainable.

sigh.

my sad life.

and since im whining,
i might as well tell the world that im hungry.
despite campbell soup and durians at 1 plus, near 2.
and how satay, rojak and chicken wings would do me real good. (ANGIE THIS IS YOUR FAULT. AND YOU'RE ACT BBQ-ING RIGHT NOW)

whine whine whine whine whine.
whine.

i hate constructive trust.
its too fucking long.

i compiled the equity case summaries.
well, for constructive trust and tracing.

and i swear,
if there is karma in this world,
and shld i die,
my next life is so going to be a tree.

then i'll get peeled weekly
just cos some blardy elitist law students
have 100000 cases to do for one freaking module.
and another 100000 pages to read for another module.

shit.
law sch gives one bad karma.

makings of a happy day.

waking up with a sms that tells you that you're missed greatly.
+
plus a call from your old man so that he could send you to sch since it's raining so heavily
+
pleasant realisation that you did not fail the 5000 words essay
+
lovely duck noodles. (altho it wasn't enuf n i had to order macs)

despite...
1. a nagging headache cos of the lack of slp.
2. waiting for people
3. drinking the world's most lousy peppermint green tea
4. being stuck in a horrible jam (i wasn't driving, but...i feel d angst too!)
5. disgusting display of...blatant lies.

life's good.
even tho there's exams n notes.

well,
life's good cos im smiling.

at 5 am.
and normally, i wouldn't be.

cheers world!

i love you despite your imperfections.

new layout!

woahh....
the world almost saw this "I CANT PUT MY TAGBOARD UP" entry.

but its okay!
im smart enuf to put my tagboard up!
//smug.

and this layout is so boring and plain.
not lk my previous chilli padis.
but the chilli padis died on me.

so yeah. here goes.

new layout.
w horrendous colour combination.

but nvm!
i lk! =)

tell me..
whats your take
on dreams?

are they signs?

if they are,
from God?
or from your subconscious?

tell me.

before i get lost in my dreams.

it's almost lk how i wanna free myself frm my own walls.
so i hit a hole thru one wall so that someone can see it.
and come look for me.
but before i allow anyone in,
i build another wall.
so the wall with a hole has another wall behind it.
the walls i build are closing in on me.

and im not even feeling emo now.
i just feel damn fat.
from the popeye's meal.

instead of spending my time fruitfully...ie. studying given how exams are damn nearrrrr...
i spent my days watching a show that i've rewatched OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

and i shall not mention the show title.
it's way tooooooo paiseh.
but yes, i think i watched it this time last year.
while preparing for exams. (or trying)
and i've watched it for too many times.
maybe 6? HAHAHAHAHA. in a yr.
i scare myself.

but i can't stop swooning and smiling.
cos he's so suave.
cos his smile is so cute.
cos their portrayal of love is that sweet.
cos she's so comical.
cos he looks so damn yummy in his suits.
the grey one? white one?
*swoon*

ahhhhhh.
im in love.
w love.
and the suave misterrr.

cos if love is about smiling to yourself
and looking extremely stupid
but feeling pure bliss
and complete happiness...

i am in love.

i love it when friends get together and drink (anything. not just alcohol.)

because when friends get together, they talk.
abt everything.
and anything.
of cos, provided that the friends are still quite close.

DONT say its cos of the alcohol.
cos i was happy drinking green tea last night too.

i loveeeee my friends.
i loveeeeeeee nuaing arnd.

i hope exams are over.

what is more pathetic

than waking up

with ur delusion

manifesting in ur dream?

nothing, i guess.
other than being happy at that manifestation.

this is my xueping!
so instead of studying, i decided to look at pics.
and i realised that i've damn a lot of pics with xueping.
when i say damn a lot, i mean.........damn a lot.
HAHA.
sorry man, im not the accountant in this friendship.

although this pic was taken when i had long hair..
and both of us were in our mj pe kits..
we've already left the schooool.
in case you forgot,lump, it's taken when clare n i trooped over to bake.
okay. clar baked.
i played with the dough.

in any case, there's too much to talk abt when it cos to lump xue ping.
i dunno where to start.
the classroom windows?
PW?
GP?
kenny rogers?
pinggg pong?! :)
water cooler?
soccer boys? (HAR!)
nana?
shopping?
MY $150 DRESS?! (rem my email?)
shoes?
bags?
the cow? antics, speech, everything.

see. too much.
lk how many of those things can anyone understand man.
friendship really need lots of time.
even if one person's always involved in projects and meetings and all from that SCH.
as long as the other person is nua-ing half the time and skipping lessons all the time,
ALL WILL BE FINE!
thats sufficient time. hahahaha.

yays!
i love you!

i swear im not half as free as i look.

i don't lk my conclusion.

i don't lk how i think.

i don't wanna think that way.

but, to think otherwise, would mean im sticking to my delusion.

freak.

:xiwen says:
guys should just be unthinking sex machines

my friend!
i love!

i see the difference
between
vulnerability.
and weakness.

i welcome vulnerability.
and abhor weakness.

call me uncompassionate.
wicked.
cruel.
selfish.

but i abhor weakness.

in all honesty
i'm lost.

lost.
in my religion.
or lack of.

how can i be a Christian
who doesn't go to church
who doesn't pray

in any case,
i stopped.
believing.

so, i'm pretty amazed recently.
cos my neighbour,
who has been playing the piano for such a long time
decided to play hymns.

not just any hymns.
but hymns i sang when i was young.
hymns that brought me to church.
hymns that i can't help but sing along.

ah.
life.

coincidence?
or reminder?
-6.30pm-

well, i met up with apple and izzy today.

quite an occasion, cos...well, i don't normally meet them.

so i went to ms clarity cafe (xiwen! i know how to bring u there!)

and boy, was it crowded.

its seriously damn freaking crowded lar.

and it's darn noisy inside.

lk 1000000000 ppl speaking at the top of their voices in a tiny room, so the noises are amplified. eeeeyers.

in any case! apple n i had this:

it's soft shell crab fantasy. ie. soft shell crab with pasta in creamy sauce!

so initially, in all excitement, apple gave it thumbs up!

simply because this is one MONUMENTAL day when she chooses something other than chicken.
there was chicken on the menu, and she chose this!
seriously amazing.
i think i should go buy 4d.
i mean, shes the person who asked for chicken in fish&co.
woah!
there's much progress in her life!

but at the end of it all, i think she will end up sticking to chicken.
not that the soft shell crab was bad...
she just wasn't used to eating crab shells.
i think.
HAHAHAHHA!
so much for progress.

tanwanjing says (00:31):
no im fine.

tanwanjing says (00:31):
i just think that i suck

little superhero girl. says (00:32):
u dun lar!

little superhero girl. says (00:32):
u are the mighty fren who's willing to be my sppting cast in my lowest times! hahah


iloveyoumabelleong.

do you know what they say?
do you know how you feel?
do you know..me?
my words?
my thoughts?
my feelings?
my emotions?
my hopes?
my fears?
my desires?
my lies?
me?

in recognition of the "lil ms" series craze..
i introduce
little miss deluded.

its actually quite pathetic how i try and endear myself to my delusion.
and it is extremely unsettling how even tho i identify the delusion, i cannot get out of the shithole.

in any case, the little miss deluded would be smiling and crying at the same time.
and to those who realised how fucking stupid i am,
i am damn sorry.
i already told you that i am fucking stupid.

i watched paris jet'aime.
i think its apt how it ended with a lonely woman, who found herself and ended with her loving paris.
yet, like how kalyn said, that was not abt loving herself.
that was abt loving a country.
so if i shall become a director, i shall have a movie abt loving yourself.

loving yourself sounds selfish.
lk u'r the centre of the world.
lk u'r the only important soul arnd.
lk u'r all that matters.

but...it is true.
to some extent, anyway.
nothing good happens if you don't love yourself.

excuse me while i convince myself to start loving myself.

theoretically, you're supposed to have a soft spot in my heart.

but because i am such a vicious and petty person..
im denying you your soft spot.

so, off you go.

let's talk abt trust.

how many ppl do you trust?

you certainly don't trust that guy who was beside you this morning.
the one who was just a bit too close to you.

you definitely don't trust that random middle-aged man of any race.
sitting by the curb.
looking at you as you walk.

you can't say you trust your neighbour.
even though you say hi,auntie every time u bumped into her.

then think!
do u trust ur frens?
do you trust the person you lunch with?
do you trust the person who you labelled "best friend"?
do you tell that person everything on your mind and feel relieved & happy after each conversation?
do you trust anyone?

i think its fascinatingly stunning when people go "I TRUST".
because in this world, the norm is not to trust.
don't trust that man with the big black bag because it could be a bomb.
don't trust that man with the nice red car and lollipop because hes a stranger.
don't trust the karang guni man because he'll kidnap you.
don't trust the policeman because when you cry, he'll scold you.
who trusts?

but, who can live without trusting anyone?

i wanted to go on talking abt the stupid law's version of trust.
but i realised i know shit abt it to talk abt it.
HAHAHA.
so yah.
no more no more.

so what if im not a girly girl?
so what if i can't prance around n look pretty?
so what if i don't dress up?
so what if i don't wear make up?

does that make me less of a girl?
or more of a guy?
or less of a human?
or more of an alien?

the equity tut must really be damn boring..
till i actually got inspired for a blog post by spying on some random nick on msn.
LIFE.

in any case, i love who i am.
so fuck off if u dun lk.

so what if im not a girly girl?
so what if i can't prance around n look pretty?
so what if i don't dress up?
so what if i don't wear make up?

does that make me less of a girl?
or more of a guy?
or less of a human?
or more of an alien?

the equity tut must really be damn boring..
till i actually got inspired for a blog post by spying on some random nick on msn.
LIFE.

in any case, i love who i am.
so fuck off if u dun lk.

i smile.
with a downcast face.

i skip.
with heavy feet.

i swear shopping is the BEST thing to ever happen today.

then i had to have ppl who decided to care abt me, to prove me wrong.

so i love you, mabel leong! and my dearrr old twin.

lurve.

bye bye.

the weather complements my mood for the night.

i hate the sinking feeling.

yesterday, i was told to obtain some "interesting" pics for ***** ***** in order to prove the "deepdeepmuchmuch" (or something lk that) kinda love i had.
[by the way, i asked. n was rejected. so its not that i don't love you. its just that the person was too vicious.]

so i guess everyone needs to know of some certainty and evidence (okay. this sounds damn cold. but yah, evidence) of something intangible called love.

and lk some random maroon 5 song, saying i love you has nothing to do with meaning it.

could a hug do the trick?
or must one present some diamond ring?

would a smile and a pat suffice?
or must there be a truckload of goodies?

how tangible must the facts be in order for one to conclude convincingly (to him/herself) about the intangible aspects?

what if that person is d world's most unexpressive person?
or if he/she happens to introverted?
or shy?
or just unable to open up to anyone?

what if that person is too poor to shower u with gifts?
or too busy?
or too burdened?
would that be construed as unwillingness?
or nonchalance?

i think i need some random chick flick to feel warm n fuzzy again.
chick flicks are my newest addiction.
short (unlike korean dramas) and fuzzy-feeling.

im beginning to think that a person will spend his/her life questioning.
and never finding a proper answer.
or maybe im just too young to be sure.
ahhh
the follies of youth.

im in sch for lect. this moment is of such rarity that i think i deserve some random celebration for this achievement.
i need more than a pau.
i need sushi buffet.

in any case, i really like the morning and its smell.
well, i enjoyed it.
provided that i've had enough slp.
i don't usually wake up in time to enjoy the morning.

and i suddenly rem this phrase where "a cynic is all but a disappointed idealist" (or something to that extent)
and i realised that everyone has this notion of a fairy tale.
i think its all that korean drama. not disney.

and i realised that my life has been nothing lk a korean drama.
im more of a cinderella.
cept that shes supposedly pretty.
but its okay!
at least ive small feet!
HAHAHA! wad a consolation.

okay. i shall eat my chicken pau n try to pay attn.
ta~
-9.06am-

mabel leong!
rem the time when ur nick was "what if the world fails to conspire?"
in reply to the alchemist's theory of how when someone really wants something, the world will conspire.

GUESS WAD!
i came up with my very own theory.
it might not be wad everyone subscribes to..
but..well..its MY theory.
here goes..

the world conspires...
only in order to show life's irony.
everything will happen..
just to reveal life's wicked way of handing out cards.
cruel huh.

im in sch for lect.
this moment is of such rarity that i think i deserve some random celebration for this achievement.
i need more than a pau.
i need sushi buffet.

in any case, i really like the morning and its smell.
well, i enjoy it.
provided that i've had enough slp.
i don't usually wake up in time to enjoy the morning.

and i suddenly rem this phrase where "a cynic is all but a disappointed idealist" (or something to that extent)
and i realised that everyone has this notion of a fairy tale. i think its all that korean drama. not disney.
and i realised that my life has been nothing lk a korean drama.
im more of a cinderella.
cept that shes supposedly pretty.
but its okay!
at least ive small feet!
HAHAHA! wad a consolation.

okay. i shall eat my chicken pau n try to pay attn.
ta~

im gg to put a fullstop to everything!

the point when..

a shopping experience turns into an obsessive trip.

a want morphs into a need.

a paradise transforms into consumerism hell.

the point is this pair of shoes:

Guess' Carrie 2.

$145.90

MY NEW OBJECT OF DESIRE.

THE REASON FOR SURVIVAL.

it's overtaking my sensibilities.

i love southpark's interpretation of raging hormones.

hahahaha.

they let 9 yr old lil boys turn into apes.

just cos one lil girl has boobs.

ahhhhh..
raging hormoness.

and southpark reveals that such.....primal instincts stick w males for life.

hahaha.

such insight.

i am fucking stupid.

yays!

new skin!

it reminds me of lin and her lil drawing of peas in a pod!

im 20.

but at times, i feel lk im a grand total of 60.

i don't lk what i know.

i don't lk how i feel.

i don't lk what i don't know.

i hate sounding lk some emo shit.

i think..

i really really..

wanna move into..

my very own lil hole now.

or hide with a few glasses of martinis.

the only emotions that really strike me recently...

are resignation.

and helplessness.

its not even recently.

it's lk....since forever.

i don't even know if resignation and helplessness count as emotions.

i think i need my fix of beach.

i think i need my dose of escapism.

i think i need my dash of hope.

i think i need to stop facing reality.

indeed, life can be so boring..

that one ends up blog-surfing..

and reading blogs of random souls who were never a part of my life..

and just end up getting more bored.

wth.

and cos everyone decided to post on cny..

i think cny shld stay forever, so that i won't have lessons.

lk the stupid pub law tut.

at 930 am tmr.

WTF!

i so regret not buying that cool-popsicle-making-thing-from-ikea.

SHIT!

i cannot slp.

in fact, i don't even feel the least bit tired.

i swear its cos of public law.

don't ask me which part.

the essay or the tuts.

cos i think its both.

i hate hate hate hate hate public law.

pui.

i need to slp.

now.

or i'll start killing ppl.

you wait.

i was out yesterday...with the person who cheats on her boyfriend.

cept that she cheats on him with me.

wth. im no les.

but yes, i love you.

anyhow...if u'r wondering where did this pic come from, its ur 19th bday i think....at the airport.

lurvee you.

despite your random bimbo moments that happen to last longer than normal moments.

despite your extremely charming *ahem ahem* who doesn't happen to have the nicest things to say abt me.

despite your warped taste for beer cos beer stinks.

despite your clogged arteries from all the bakkwas.

wo ai ni! -MUACK-

so after i was convinced to send an email to thio regarding the stupid assgn....

i got a reply.

"i appreciate your candour. but we expect all students to responsibly and carefully read the assgn qns"

WTF!

but its okay.

cos im done mourning.

its good to have law school beside the gardens.

imagine...

one day, after handing in your assignment..

with a word limit of 3000-3500 words...

which you happily assumed was 5000 words..

you REALISED that you were off the mark..

for 1500 words...

which is half d essay.

imagine the depression..

THEN!

there is the gardens.

where u can escape to.

and lie down on the grass (which i think is quite dirty cos it gave me red spots on my hands..BUT I WAS SAD)

and all there is arnd u is silence (or almost)

and nothing but air.

fantastic.

wonderful eh.

anyhow, thanks.

i am finally done with that sadistic assignment.

critically evaluate the existing constitutional principles, institutions and rights in order to asses whether the amendments to the constitution have promoted or weakened constitutionalism, parliamentary democracy and the rule of law in singapore.

evaluate my ass.

if you think thats cheem, let me tell you lil kids that i merely allowed a peek at my assignment question. answering that probably isn't even HALF the question.

and all that junk in 5000 words? lk hello? pardon us if our brains are too good.

in any case, lump, i suggest u stop hoping already.

im only done with the bullshit cos i cannot be ****ing bothered. haha.

and! i realised that i have to state which form of citations i use.

and i admit here, that i KNOW that my citations are ALL wrong. actually, i didn't even cite. i merely listed the cases and books and shit.

but i do not give a ****.

then i HAVE to give my essay a title. the perfect one would be "junk accumulated in my brain".

but my schoold isn't perfect. (okay, im too chicken to put that down)

HAHAHAHA!

im actually quite happy that im done. ask angie. angie senses my joy.

but i think my angst (because of this moronic shite) outweighs the joy.

LIFE. pui.

today i almost said that i don't want to talk like i was in a fairy tale.

but i stopped.

because i YEARN to have that "live happily ever after" ending.





i see the hurt.

i sense the pain.

i understand how it feels like to be resigned.

to accept ur helplessness.

i wanna cry for you.

but i can't.

because i see myself doing the exact same thing to you.

and because this is the result of you not being home.

what would you do..

if i say i like you.

if i tell u i hate you.

if i remind you that i despise you.

if i dance in the rain.

if i twirl around in pointy shoes.

if i dig into a tub of ice cream and cry.

if i stare blankly at you.

if i frown at you.

if i snap at you.

if i ignore you.

what would you do?

i CANNOT believe that a shopping mall as HUGE as vivocity has NO kfc.

honestly, how can any mall not have kfc?

i AM so deprived.

pui.

whine whine whine whine whine.

im trying my very best to START on the public law assignment.

but every single time i sit down n try....

i just feel lk sleeping.

sigh.

i personally find life a joke.

a total joke. not that i find it all that funny for every single moment tho.

it's terribly amusing how things are turning out. are those excuses or reasons? are we doubting your character, or do we not know you? are you selfish or are you selfless?

i don't know whats going on. i don't know how to react.

i don't want to speculate too much. i guess, as a law student, we are all trained to look at facts. cold, hard facts. maybe the events leading up to it. but we are all trained to doubt EVERY SINGLE THING we know of.

and i guess we all doubt your character.





its horribly comedic how you (another you) affect me.

i actually hate it, i think.

no then again, im not sure how i feel towards it.

im not certain as to how i wanna feel.

i guess, thats why i say its a comedy.

except that, past a point, comedy ceases to be funny, and transcends directly into a tragedy.

ahhhh. life.

fantastic.

and like how i told rich, it sucks ass. (actually i quoted cartman)

in view of all the (potential and existing) lovey-dovey ambience...

and the clear separation between singles and...........(ex)singles...

i bring to you..my lurve.

well, after kenny McCormick.

little superhero girl. says:
u loveee me deep deep lar. and for long long lar!