don't read if you don't like to hear me whine.

given my penchant to sneak into blogs and start peeking into the bloggers' lives, i've decided that maybe it's time for me to start writing and conversing in proper english. i realise that the standard of my english, both written and oral, is on a downward spiral. and trust me, the slope is pretty steep. once again, i wonder if i chose the wrong course. i KNEW that i was not competent enough, not disciplined enough, not proficient enough in my language, and not smart enough. and now i KNOW that i will never be.

maybe i'm just stuck in this rut where all i can do, and all i want to do is to pity myself. maybe i'm just trying to invite sympathy frm anyone who actually does give a shit about me. self-pity or inviting pity? i don't care. of course, people say that the competition is within yourself and do not compare yourself to others. but it's difficult. not when you know that you're probably at the bottom rung of the cohort, and know that your language and linguistic skills can NEVER match up to others. and especially not when you know that while those in the fac who study happen to have brains (what a coincidence), those who do not study just happen to have MORE brains (another uncanny coincidence). but i guess there is always this small little category somewhere around, where the students who do not study happen to have no brains. and i just happen to have this naggy feeling that i fit in that category.

it's so tough not to compare yourself to others, because you know that if you do not do that, you will never know your flaws, and start working on them. it's tough because you know that you are constantly being compared to others. it's tough because you know that others are constantly comparing you. it's tough because i no longer get average results without putting in any effort. i get mediocre results. it's tough. so why do i insist on lying to myself, saying that it does not matter. my results do not matter. my stupidity does not matter. because it does.

the erosion of my confidence has just started. i don't think it's going to end anytime soon.