just say that i shld go get lunch myself.

don't fucking tell me
that BECAUSE i slpt past YOUR lunch time
you gave my lunch up to someone else.

given the time i slpt
i should fucking slp past dinner time too.

i think its time for you to go away.

bye bye.

the mere mention of the beach makes me want to go to the beach again.

just for the wind.
that only happens to blow at 2 plus am.

or the waves.
and the soothing sound of them crashing agst the shore.

BUT
given my blardy grand plan of tackling
1 chapter a day
and the fact that
i do not have sufficient days
plus
how i cannot sit still for more than 15 minutes
resulting in
me still trying to understand cases at 4 am.

the beach seems too unattainable.

sigh.

my sad life.

and since im whining,
i might as well tell the world that im hungry.
despite campbell soup and durians at 1 plus, near 2.
and how satay, rojak and chicken wings would do me real good. (ANGIE THIS IS YOUR FAULT. AND YOU'RE ACT BBQ-ING RIGHT NOW)

whine whine whine whine whine.
whine.

i hate constructive trust.
its too fucking long.

i compiled the equity case summaries.
well, for constructive trust and tracing.

and i swear,
if there is karma in this world,
and shld i die,
my next life is so going to be a tree.

then i'll get peeled weekly
just cos some blardy elitist law students
have 100000 cases to do for one freaking module.
and another 100000 pages to read for another module.

shit.
law sch gives one bad karma.

makings of a happy day.

waking up with a sms that tells you that you're missed greatly.
+
plus a call from your old man so that he could send you to sch since it's raining so heavily
+
pleasant realisation that you did not fail the 5000 words essay
+
lovely duck noodles. (altho it wasn't enuf n i had to order macs)

despite...
1. a nagging headache cos of the lack of slp.
2. waiting for people
3. drinking the world's most lousy peppermint green tea
4. being stuck in a horrible jam (i wasn't driving, but...i feel d angst too!)
5. disgusting display of...blatant lies.

life's good.
even tho there's exams n notes.

well,
life's good cos im smiling.

at 5 am.
and normally, i wouldn't be.

cheers world!

i love you despite your imperfections.

new layout!

woahh....
the world almost saw this "I CANT PUT MY TAGBOARD UP" entry.

but its okay!
im smart enuf to put my tagboard up!
//smug.

and this layout is so boring and plain.
not lk my previous chilli padis.
but the chilli padis died on me.

so yeah. here goes.

new layout.
w horrendous colour combination.

but nvm!
i lk! =)

tell me..
whats your take
on dreams?

are they signs?

if they are,
from God?
or from your subconscious?

tell me.

before i get lost in my dreams.

it's almost lk how i wanna free myself frm my own walls.
so i hit a hole thru one wall so that someone can see it.
and come look for me.
but before i allow anyone in,
i build another wall.
so the wall with a hole has another wall behind it.
the walls i build are closing in on me.

and im not even feeling emo now.
i just feel damn fat.
from the popeye's meal.

instead of spending my time fruitfully...ie. studying given how exams are damn nearrrrr...
i spent my days watching a show that i've rewatched OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

and i shall not mention the show title.
it's way tooooooo paiseh.
but yes, i think i watched it this time last year.
while preparing for exams. (or trying)
and i've watched it for too many times.
maybe 6? HAHAHAHAHA. in a yr.
i scare myself.

but i can't stop swooning and smiling.
cos he's so suave.
cos his smile is so cute.
cos their portrayal of love is that sweet.
cos she's so comical.
cos he looks so damn yummy in his suits.
the grey one? white one?
*swoon*

ahhhhhh.
im in love.
w love.
and the suave misterrr.

cos if love is about smiling to yourself
and looking extremely stupid
but feeling pure bliss
and complete happiness...

i am in love.

i love it when friends get together and drink (anything. not just alcohol.)

because when friends get together, they talk.
abt everything.
and anything.
of cos, provided that the friends are still quite close.

DONT say its cos of the alcohol.
cos i was happy drinking green tea last night too.

i loveeeee my friends.
i loveeeeeeee nuaing arnd.

i hope exams are over.

what is more pathetic

than waking up

with ur delusion

manifesting in ur dream?

nothing, i guess.
other than being happy at that manifestation.

this is my xueping!
so instead of studying, i decided to look at pics.
and i realised that i've damn a lot of pics with xueping.
when i say damn a lot, i mean.........damn a lot.
HAHA.
sorry man, im not the accountant in this friendship.

although this pic was taken when i had long hair..
and both of us were in our mj pe kits..
we've already left the schooool.
in case you forgot,lump, it's taken when clare n i trooped over to bake.
okay. clar baked.
i played with the dough.

in any case, there's too much to talk abt when it cos to lump xue ping.
i dunno where to start.
the classroom windows?
PW?
GP?
kenny rogers?
pinggg pong?! :)
water cooler?
soccer boys? (HAR!)
nana?
shopping?
MY $150 DRESS?! (rem my email?)
shoes?
bags?
the cow? antics, speech, everything.

see. too much.
lk how many of those things can anyone understand man.
friendship really need lots of time.
even if one person's always involved in projects and meetings and all from that SCH.
as long as the other person is nua-ing half the time and skipping lessons all the time,
ALL WILL BE FINE!
thats sufficient time. hahahaha.

yays!
i love you!

i swear im not half as free as i look.

i don't lk my conclusion.

i don't lk how i think.

i don't wanna think that way.

but, to think otherwise, would mean im sticking to my delusion.

freak.

:xiwen says:
guys should just be unthinking sex machines

my friend!
i love!

i see the difference
between
vulnerability.
and weakness.

i welcome vulnerability.
and abhor weakness.

call me uncompassionate.
wicked.
cruel.
selfish.

but i abhor weakness.

in all honesty
i'm lost.

lost.
in my religion.
or lack of.

how can i be a Christian
who doesn't go to church
who doesn't pray

in any case,
i stopped.
believing.

so, i'm pretty amazed recently.
cos my neighbour,
who has been playing the piano for such a long time
decided to play hymns.

not just any hymns.
but hymns i sang when i was young.
hymns that brought me to church.
hymns that i can't help but sing along.

ah.
life.

coincidence?
or reminder?
-6.30pm-

well, i met up with apple and izzy today.

quite an occasion, cos...well, i don't normally meet them.

so i went to ms clarity cafe (xiwen! i know how to bring u there!)

and boy, was it crowded.

its seriously damn freaking crowded lar.

and it's darn noisy inside.

lk 1000000000 ppl speaking at the top of their voices in a tiny room, so the noises are amplified. eeeeyers.

in any case! apple n i had this:

it's soft shell crab fantasy. ie. soft shell crab with pasta in creamy sauce!

so initially, in all excitement, apple gave it thumbs up!

simply because this is one MONUMENTAL day when she chooses something other than chicken.
there was chicken on the menu, and she chose this!
seriously amazing.
i think i should go buy 4d.
i mean, shes the person who asked for chicken in fish&co.
woah!
there's much progress in her life!

but at the end of it all, i think she will end up sticking to chicken.
not that the soft shell crab was bad...
she just wasn't used to eating crab shells.
i think.
HAHAHAHHA!
so much for progress.

tanwanjing says (00:31):
no im fine.

tanwanjing says (00:31):
i just think that i suck

little superhero girl. says (00:32):
u dun lar!

little superhero girl. says (00:32):
u are the mighty fren who's willing to be my sppting cast in my lowest times! hahah


iloveyoumabelleong.

do you know what they say?
do you know how you feel?
do you know..me?
my words?
my thoughts?
my feelings?
my emotions?
my hopes?
my fears?
my desires?
my lies?
me?

in recognition of the "lil ms" series craze..
i introduce
little miss deluded.

its actually quite pathetic how i try and endear myself to my delusion.
and it is extremely unsettling how even tho i identify the delusion, i cannot get out of the shithole.

in any case, the little miss deluded would be smiling and crying at the same time.
and to those who realised how fucking stupid i am,
i am damn sorry.
i already told you that i am fucking stupid.

i watched paris jet'aime.
i think its apt how it ended with a lonely woman, who found herself and ended with her loving paris.
yet, like how kalyn said, that was not abt loving herself.
that was abt loving a country.
so if i shall become a director, i shall have a movie abt loving yourself.

loving yourself sounds selfish.
lk u'r the centre of the world.
lk u'r the only important soul arnd.
lk u'r all that matters.

but...it is true.
to some extent, anyway.
nothing good happens if you don't love yourself.

excuse me while i convince myself to start loving myself.

theoretically, you're supposed to have a soft spot in my heart.

but because i am such a vicious and petty person..
im denying you your soft spot.

so, off you go.

let's talk abt trust.

how many ppl do you trust?

you certainly don't trust that guy who was beside you this morning.
the one who was just a bit too close to you.

you definitely don't trust that random middle-aged man of any race.
sitting by the curb.
looking at you as you walk.

you can't say you trust your neighbour.
even though you say hi,auntie every time u bumped into her.

then think!
do u trust ur frens?
do you trust the person you lunch with?
do you trust the person who you labelled "best friend"?
do you tell that person everything on your mind and feel relieved & happy after each conversation?
do you trust anyone?

i think its fascinatingly stunning when people go "I TRUST".
because in this world, the norm is not to trust.
don't trust that man with the big black bag because it could be a bomb.
don't trust that man with the nice red car and lollipop because hes a stranger.
don't trust the karang guni man because he'll kidnap you.
don't trust the policeman because when you cry, he'll scold you.
who trusts?

but, who can live without trusting anyone?

i wanted to go on talking abt the stupid law's version of trust.
but i realised i know shit abt it to talk abt it.
HAHAHA.
so yah.
no more no more.

so what if im not a girly girl?
so what if i can't prance around n look pretty?
so what if i don't dress up?
so what if i don't wear make up?

does that make me less of a girl?
or more of a guy?
or less of a human?
or more of an alien?

the equity tut must really be damn boring..
till i actually got inspired for a blog post by spying on some random nick on msn.
LIFE.

in any case, i love who i am.
so fuck off if u dun lk.

so what if im not a girly girl?
so what if i can't prance around n look pretty?
so what if i don't dress up?
so what if i don't wear make up?

does that make me less of a girl?
or more of a guy?
or less of a human?
or more of an alien?

the equity tut must really be damn boring..
till i actually got inspired for a blog post by spying on some random nick on msn.
LIFE.

in any case, i love who i am.
so fuck off if u dun lk.

i smile.
with a downcast face.

i skip.
with heavy feet.

i swear shopping is the BEST thing to ever happen today.

then i had to have ppl who decided to care abt me, to prove me wrong.

so i love you, mabel leong! and my dearrr old twin.

lurve.

bye bye.

the weather complements my mood for the night.

i hate the sinking feeling.

yesterday, i was told to obtain some "interesting" pics for ***** ***** in order to prove the "deepdeepmuchmuch" (or something lk that) kinda love i had.
[by the way, i asked. n was rejected. so its not that i don't love you. its just that the person was too vicious.]

so i guess everyone needs to know of some certainty and evidence (okay. this sounds damn cold. but yah, evidence) of something intangible called love.

and lk some random maroon 5 song, saying i love you has nothing to do with meaning it.

could a hug do the trick?
or must one present some diamond ring?

would a smile and a pat suffice?
or must there be a truckload of goodies?

how tangible must the facts be in order for one to conclude convincingly (to him/herself) about the intangible aspects?

what if that person is d world's most unexpressive person?
or if he/she happens to introverted?
or shy?
or just unable to open up to anyone?

what if that person is too poor to shower u with gifts?
or too busy?
or too burdened?
would that be construed as unwillingness?
or nonchalance?

i think i need some random chick flick to feel warm n fuzzy again.
chick flicks are my newest addiction.
short (unlike korean dramas) and fuzzy-feeling.

im beginning to think that a person will spend his/her life questioning.
and never finding a proper answer.
or maybe im just too young to be sure.
ahhh
the follies of youth.

im in sch for lect. this moment is of such rarity that i think i deserve some random celebration for this achievement.
i need more than a pau.
i need sushi buffet.

in any case, i really like the morning and its smell.
well, i enjoyed it.
provided that i've had enough slp.
i don't usually wake up in time to enjoy the morning.

and i suddenly rem this phrase where "a cynic is all but a disappointed idealist" (or something to that extent)
and i realised that everyone has this notion of a fairy tale.
i think its all that korean drama. not disney.

and i realised that my life has been nothing lk a korean drama.
im more of a cinderella.
cept that shes supposedly pretty.
but its okay!
at least ive small feet!
HAHAHA! wad a consolation.

okay. i shall eat my chicken pau n try to pay attn.
ta~
-9.06am-

mabel leong!
rem the time when ur nick was "what if the world fails to conspire?"
in reply to the alchemist's theory of how when someone really wants something, the world will conspire.

GUESS WAD!
i came up with my very own theory.
it might not be wad everyone subscribes to..
but..well..its MY theory.
here goes..

the world conspires...
only in order to show life's irony.
everything will happen..
just to reveal life's wicked way of handing out cards.
cruel huh.

im in sch for lect.
this moment is of such rarity that i think i deserve some random celebration for this achievement.
i need more than a pau.
i need sushi buffet.

in any case, i really like the morning and its smell.
well, i enjoy it.
provided that i've had enough slp.
i don't usually wake up in time to enjoy the morning.

and i suddenly rem this phrase where "a cynic is all but a disappointed idealist" (or something to that extent)
and i realised that everyone has this notion of a fairy tale. i think its all that korean drama. not disney.
and i realised that my life has been nothing lk a korean drama.
im more of a cinderella.
cept that shes supposedly pretty.
but its okay!
at least ive small feet!
HAHAHA! wad a consolation.

okay. i shall eat my chicken pau n try to pay attn.
ta~

im gg to put a fullstop to everything!

the point when..

a shopping experience turns into an obsessive trip.

a want morphs into a need.

a paradise transforms into consumerism hell.

the point is this pair of shoes:

Guess' Carrie 2.

$145.90

MY NEW OBJECT OF DESIRE.

THE REASON FOR SURVIVAL.

it's overtaking my sensibilities.

i love southpark's interpretation of raging hormones.

hahahaha.

they let 9 yr old lil boys turn into apes.

just cos one lil girl has boobs.

ahhhhh..
raging hormoness.

and southpark reveals that such.....primal instincts stick w males for life.

hahaha.

such insight.

i am fucking stupid.

yays!

new skin!

it reminds me of lin and her lil drawing of peas in a pod!

im 20.

but at times, i feel lk im a grand total of 60.

i don't lk what i know.

i don't lk how i feel.

i don't lk what i don't know.

i hate sounding lk some emo shit.

i think..

i really really..

wanna move into..

my very own lil hole now.

or hide with a few glasses of martinis.

the only emotions that really strike me recently...

are resignation.

and helplessness.

its not even recently.

it's lk....since forever.

i don't even know if resignation and helplessness count as emotions.

i think i need my fix of beach.

i think i need my dose of escapism.

i think i need my dash of hope.

i think i need to stop facing reality.

indeed, life can be so boring..

that one ends up blog-surfing..

and reading blogs of random souls who were never a part of my life..

and just end up getting more bored.

wth.

and cos everyone decided to post on cny..

i think cny shld stay forever, so that i won't have lessons.

lk the stupid pub law tut.

at 930 am tmr.

WTF!

i so regret not buying that cool-popsicle-making-thing-from-ikea.

SHIT!

i cannot slp.

in fact, i don't even feel the least bit tired.

i swear its cos of public law.

don't ask me which part.

the essay or the tuts.

cos i think its both.

i hate hate hate hate hate public law.

pui.

i need to slp.

now.

or i'll start killing ppl.

you wait.

i was out yesterday...with the person who cheats on her boyfriend.

cept that she cheats on him with me.

wth. im no les.

but yes, i love you.

anyhow...if u'r wondering where did this pic come from, its ur 19th bday i think....at the airport.

lurvee you.

despite your random bimbo moments that happen to last longer than normal moments.

despite your extremely charming *ahem ahem* who doesn't happen to have the nicest things to say abt me.

despite your warped taste for beer cos beer stinks.

despite your clogged arteries from all the bakkwas.

wo ai ni! -MUACK-

so after i was convinced to send an email to thio regarding the stupid assgn....

i got a reply.

"i appreciate your candour. but we expect all students to responsibly and carefully read the assgn qns"

WTF!

but its okay.

cos im done mourning.

its good to have law school beside the gardens.

imagine...

one day, after handing in your assignment..

with a word limit of 3000-3500 words...

which you happily assumed was 5000 words..

you REALISED that you were off the mark..

for 1500 words...

which is half d essay.

imagine the depression..

THEN!

there is the gardens.

where u can escape to.

and lie down on the grass (which i think is quite dirty cos it gave me red spots on my hands..BUT I WAS SAD)

and all there is arnd u is silence (or almost)

and nothing but air.

fantastic.

wonderful eh.

anyhow, thanks.

i am finally done with that sadistic assignment.

critically evaluate the existing constitutional principles, institutions and rights in order to asses whether the amendments to the constitution have promoted or weakened constitutionalism, parliamentary democracy and the rule of law in singapore.

evaluate my ass.

if you think thats cheem, let me tell you lil kids that i merely allowed a peek at my assignment question. answering that probably isn't even HALF the question.

and all that junk in 5000 words? lk hello? pardon us if our brains are too good.

in any case, lump, i suggest u stop hoping already.

im only done with the bullshit cos i cannot be ****ing bothered. haha.

and! i realised that i have to state which form of citations i use.

and i admit here, that i KNOW that my citations are ALL wrong. actually, i didn't even cite. i merely listed the cases and books and shit.

but i do not give a ****.

then i HAVE to give my essay a title. the perfect one would be "junk accumulated in my brain".

but my schoold isn't perfect. (okay, im too chicken to put that down)

HAHAHAHA!

im actually quite happy that im done. ask angie. angie senses my joy.

but i think my angst (because of this moronic shite) outweighs the joy.

LIFE. pui.

today i almost said that i don't want to talk like i was in a fairy tale.

but i stopped.

because i YEARN to have that "live happily ever after" ending.





i see the hurt.

i sense the pain.

i understand how it feels like to be resigned.

to accept ur helplessness.

i wanna cry for you.

but i can't.

because i see myself doing the exact same thing to you.

and because this is the result of you not being home.

what would you do..

if i say i like you.

if i tell u i hate you.

if i remind you that i despise you.

if i dance in the rain.

if i twirl around in pointy shoes.

if i dig into a tub of ice cream and cry.

if i stare blankly at you.

if i frown at you.

if i snap at you.

if i ignore you.

what would you do?

i CANNOT believe that a shopping mall as HUGE as vivocity has NO kfc.

honestly, how can any mall not have kfc?

i AM so deprived.

pui.

whine whine whine whine whine.

im trying my very best to START on the public law assignment.

but every single time i sit down n try....

i just feel lk sleeping.

sigh.

i personally find life a joke.

a total joke. not that i find it all that funny for every single moment tho.

it's terribly amusing how things are turning out. are those excuses or reasons? are we doubting your character, or do we not know you? are you selfish or are you selfless?

i don't know whats going on. i don't know how to react.

i don't want to speculate too much. i guess, as a law student, we are all trained to look at facts. cold, hard facts. maybe the events leading up to it. but we are all trained to doubt EVERY SINGLE THING we know of.

and i guess we all doubt your character.





its horribly comedic how you (another you) affect me.

i actually hate it, i think.

no then again, im not sure how i feel towards it.

im not certain as to how i wanna feel.

i guess, thats why i say its a comedy.

except that, past a point, comedy ceases to be funny, and transcends directly into a tragedy.

ahhhh. life.

fantastic.

and like how i told rich, it sucks ass. (actually i quoted cartman)

in view of all the (potential and existing) lovey-dovey ambience...

and the clear separation between singles and...........(ex)singles...

i bring to you..my lurve.

well, after kenny McCormick.

little superhero girl. says:
u loveee me deep deep lar. and for long long lar!

on a day...

when u had to run to catch a bus in heels..

heels that gave u blisters while u climbed up the slope..

and the same pair that pinched ur toes simply cos u stood too long in them..

and basically killed you and your feet for the WHOLE day..





all that has to happen..

is to chance upon an eye candy.

one so cute that all you can do is peek and smile.





and i assure you..

ALL will be fine.

the day will be a great day.

i assure you.

i am officially addicted to southpark.

and am in love with kenny.

kennnnnyyy. mccormickkkk.

lurve.

this is my cny present!

from angie!

altho cny is in spring, and that is a snowman...

and snow doesn't fall in spring..

and i normally don't see "real" snowmen..................

but i love you, angie!

thanks for the snowman! yayyy!

i swear i love cny!

the goodies are fantastic!

i really cannot stop eating them!

i am currently addicted to pineapple tarts!

i am waiting for your pineapple tarts k....

f u c k y o u .

pui is officially a word in my dictionary.

pui. i hate tonight's dinner.

the 1st batch of cny goodies came in today..

and lo and behold!

there is NO pineapple tarts.

i WANT pineapple tarts.

cny isn't cny without pineapple tarts!

SIGH!

wad a life!

on days like that...

my vocab shrinks to a grand total of one word.

fuck.

and its many variations.

ahh! the chocolates the best friend made.

well..not all. only lk..some of it. prob one type of random choc.

they didn't taste too bad!!! cept for somepepperyone, that was..different.

actually...if only i could have an entire tray of the chocolates.

LIFE.

anyway! watched d singapore-thailand match.

where the thais decided to stage a coup on us, and zah says that we can expect military tanks ANY minute.

where the singapore soccer guys decided to let the ball roll instead of kicking it for a free kick.

where the thais dove into the ground at EVERY SINGLE opportunity they had.

where there was only one nice ball.

and where the victory was on a penalty.

(how sad lar. the last win was frm shoot-outs and tyco-ness, and this frm penalty)

in any case, i felt lk an ah beng during d match.

and i LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE the wind.

LOVE IT!

i HAD this....overwhelming excitement.

the bubbling anticipation in my new room after I MYSELF painted it.

i embarked on it.

and it looks like shit.

i cannot believe it.

i am currently depressed cos i CANNOT paint for nuts.

but to quote xw, thats y im a law student. (in times like tt, i really need consolation. and the beach)

so this is my room after i STUPIDLY decided to do it all alone: (xw..i uploaded this junk for you. do you feel the love? i sacrificed my dignity)

and this is what my mummy painted:

imagine, if i wasn't so obstinate or geh kiang, my wall would be so much prettier.

ahhhhh...and to quote sammi..my mommy is damn pro.

LIFE.

brat! says:
eh if law doesn't work you could be a sportswoman k
brat! says:
that photo will do fine

yay!

the rain, the wind, the sounds.
perfect equation for a recluse to emerge.

maybe i'm just blaming the weather.
it is really pretty convenient.

because, i'm pretty sure the life (or lack of) is the reason.

im not mourning cos im home.

im mourning cos i dread home.

someone,please give me a solution.

fuck the whole world.


esp. stupid google when i've to switch blogs at the moment when i was bursting with emotions n tears. fuck you.

this is zahida!

"i am so tired"

[ps. if you are blind, the shirt reads 'being this cute is exhausting']

to my dearest xueping,

i know you've a grand plan of getting a dog to get over your fears!

and i know you've been fighting for your right to own a dog.

a dog, in your opinion, that has no character.

and we went through the checklist for your (potentially) new doggy - must look cute.

simple!

then you came up with names for ur doggy, and even angie decided to call it miao mi.

and you can't get your dog cos of ur..........(lets not mention him)

and i came up with all sorts of plans so that you can gain upper ground!

including crying. or leashing a stuffed toy and dragging it arnd your hse!

AND YOU RECIPROCATE BY TELLING ME TO ASK FOR A BIRD?

i honestly, do not see the need for me to get over my **** (censored for my own good) of birds.

i do not WANT to see them at my place at night, when i can hide from them.

and..its so much easier to get a bird than a dog.

and birds are noisy.

my family's noisy enuf.

thank you very much.

i still love you.

somehow.

love,jing! *muack*

if i was a cat....

i'd be an angry and unsettled cat as of now

and i'll be scratching everything i see!

meow!

well well well!

that's the work of my one-heck-of-a-creative-best friend.

nice right!

whoever thought he could be as artistic as angie...okay..maybe not angie. angie's too great.

proud of you!

//smug.

ps. do i get one too? :D

"crying empowers" is all, but a figurative speech.

we figured that crying would allow you to get over issues and move on to challenge life again.

but we realise that we'd be crying over the same issues over and over again.

we figured that crying would be a good way to vent your anger, frustration, wadever, and brings you some (random) kind of peace.

but we realise that the only reason why we can sleep after crying, is cos crying tires us out and drains us completely.

we figured that crying would signify an embracement of emotions and shit.

but we realise that it only makes ppl shower u with more sympathy.

and yet, i cry.

i refuse to do it in front of anyone.

i was told i like to act strong cos of that.

maybe, it's my only way of saving some dignity for myself.

simply because my life is too fucked up to be true.

on a side note, i hate nights when my brain goes into overdrive, and i end up not sleeping.

tonight, i blame the green tea. all kinds of green tea.

and the stupid roach that scared the hell out of me.

Got to know of the idea of being dependent on a male figure.


i don't think people realise that they do it, but they do end up doing so subconsciously.


i dont think its actually possible to pretend that depending on someone, anyone, does not bring about comfort.


on the same thread, i don't think its possible to pretend that depending on someone is beneficial and healthy.


i strive to be independent.


but can i?


do you want me to?

was out w roy...

then i came home n saw this :

(name censored to protect identity, cos i doubt this entry will be appreciated)

**** just sent you a Nudge!



**** says:

I DONT LIKE YOU

and i find this unbelivably cute! hahahahaha

this is really damn cute!

sorry. was out. :)

if you've been observant..u'd see the various advertisements for the RED awareness programme about Aids.


where some random mediacorp guy's ripping his shirt that reads "ba(red)" off.


or ronald susilo with "sco(red)" and a badminton racket!

and i'm excited! i wanna have a go at it.


imagine a chicken! wearing a red shirt! that says "rea(red)"

isn't that cool!


or maybe some jared wearing "ja(red)"


okay, that negated my initial brilliance.

but the chicken add would rock socks.

we learn lessons on a daily basis.

the lesson learnt today is..

i lk to see my forehead. so i can't have hair covering it.

or rather, i don't like having hair covering my ENTIRE forehead.

there goes the plan to have bangs.

imagine..

that for the entire period in bed,

the only time you feel tired

is the time for you to wake up

i concluded tt alcohol stops me from sleeping

and i hate puking.

anyhow! thank you, clar!

for being such a total sweetie. i love you!

thank you very much!

i don't know if checking my email at 730am to see if the stupid thing at 930 has been cancelled means tt i'm a hopeful person.

or maybe i'm just damn tired.

im currently in my mjc uniform!

with my hair tied up

and the string of my blouse tied.

i wore my cedar uni too!

i could still fit in!

in any case, i concluded that my skirts were damn long.

seriously.

i thought i wore short skirts.

but apparently, they are long...like really long.

surprisingly long.

ahhhhhh!

i wanna wear my uniforms...

"a cynic is a disappointed idealist"

how apt.

that is probably the only thing i rem from the public law lect today.

well, in any case, it brings a whole new perspective into the word cynic.

not like it wasn't obvious, but it is so clear suddenly.

an enlightenment.

if i had a chance to talk to God before He created you,

i would ask him to

give you one more dose of sensitivity;

take away part of your irresponsibility;

allow you to use more of your brains;

let you realise what is common sense;

make you more grounded;

add in some hardworking genes,

then maybe, in this way, i'd be a very happy little girl.

but i can't.

so i guess i should just stick to blaming your parents for your lousy upbringing

and to finally realise that it's time to acknowledge my lack of luck

or maybe, i could be more optimistic

and view you as a test in my life.

if you're a test

then i think God thinks too highly of me.

to those who care..

i didn't skip sch on d 1st day.

i only ended up slping in on d 2nd day of sch.

i am sad.

i slpt at 7 am and woke at 1030 am for the 1st day of school.

and now...

i still can't slp.

seriously.

i think i need to buy more flu medicine.

then i rem what someone said..

"so now you're an alcoholic and a drug addict."

ahhh. nice.

wad a great summary of my life.

maybe you shld have added in insomniac.

sighhhhhhhhhh.

i wonder if im gg for lessons tmr.

and right now..i feel lk eating at astons.

eat wad i usually eat.

sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

well

i guess the more u don't want something to affect you

the probability of it affecting you increases.

todayyy...i baked.

i slpt at 10 pm last night..went to my granny's this morn..then napped..

and i proceeded to bake my VERY OWN banana cake!

which happens to be terrifically banana-y!

to those who know that there shld be a chocolate coating...
i was too drained from mashing the bananas.

to those who don't know that there shld be a chocolate coating...
pretend that you still don't know.

all in all, im DAMN proud of myself.

and zah, seriously, im so wholesome i think your parents will want you to spend more time with me.

im such a wholesome kid!

am reading "the rape of nanking"

am particularly disturbed by the author's use of "random rape".

somehow, the word random doesn't apply when the idea and image projected from the book is that the japanese soldiers raped most women.

how can that ever be random?

random rape.

wad a way to mar the sanctity of the word "random".

guess wad!

i really love drinking!

esp since alcoholic drinks give u this sweet taste.

followed by a bitter aftertaste.

THENNNNN sweet again.

perfect!

im gonna turn into an alcoholic and get addicted.

im gonna be all high and crazy (sans pukey).

and im gonna wait for someone to enter me into AA.

and hold hands with doraemon. (this is an inside joke)

ps. i realised tt i just want to test my limits for alcohol. so....beware, friends!

the ass of the brother stomped into my room at 5 am.

just as i yawned n rolled into my bed, he entered.

cos he couldn't slp.

so he bugged me to talk to him.

he resorted to snuggling on my bed.

so now, at 8 am, i'm still bloody hell awake.

all cos of the ass of the brother.

hear my calls to help me stay buoyant?

the waves don't happen to have mercy.

they sweep everything away, and allow no shred of hope for an escape.

they keep you under, and diminish all traces of oxygen.

they smother.

i wonder how long the smile will remain.



and right now, all i want to do, is to hear the waves crashing upon the shore.

and i can pretend that i'm above the waves.

safe.

when, in actual fact, i happen to be slipping under.


i was told that most of my entries happen to be negative.

not that it surprises me.

i can share happy stuff easily.

but when some haunting issues that can't be spoken loom about

who will keep me buoyant?



i know i sound suicidal.

im not. no worries.

not yet, at least.

nightmare no 2.

my junk food stash is gone.



i think yr 2007 doesn't bode well.

2 nightmares in 2 days.

my very 1st dream of 2006

happens to be a nightmare.

where all the crows attacked everyone.



this is really really bad.

i tried going to bed at 12.
i failed.

since im up, tired and prob won't be slping soon, i shall attempt updating random souls who only know me via this blog abt the past week.

basically, i think im on my way to getting my own lil corner for my tent in the lam household, given how i've been there soooo many times.

and i played santa. altho i do not have a tummy ( i do not care. i do not have one. ) and i've no white hair, or white beard, i wore a red shirt. and i trooped to different houses with my rudolph and elfs.
so this yr, i gave cards, christmas socks, and to those lucky children who know the rudolph - cookies.
by the way, the cookies were cool. they were chocolate chip cookies that had a cookie-n-cream hershey chocolate in the centre..and it ended off with (for extremely nice kids) a layer of dark chocolate somewhere.
OH! and i fried an egg. it was salty. BUT YOU SHOULD STILL TELL ME THAT ITS NICE. ass.
andddd....i've been accused of chao keng-ing during my santa duty cos i snuggled in ppl's couches. to clear the record, i was not slacking. i was just a tired santa who had to rest for a bit before continuing on my journey to visit other kids. stupid rudolph.

then i baked cookies again. okay, in all honesty, i didn't. i only played with the dough. i went AFTER i woke up, AFTER clar n lump made the dough. i appeared (with their help, of course) and played. yay.
and we trooooooooped to geylang for supper! roy helped in this. haahahaha. i really do lk the over-tenderised beef horfun. BUT now all i wanna eat is astons' black pepper chicken. SIGH.

went to lin's place. zah n xw baked a chocolate banana cake. i err.......tried helping with the salad, and decided that in order for me to be more domesticated, i shld learn what to do with food. things that aren't eggs and maggi mee. i can't even figure out wad to do with the vege for salad. omg.
but it was fun.
cos i loved d chats and d game. its been so long since i last played a boardgame! ahhhhh.....i wanna play. yay.

had sushi and felt lk puking after that for overeating.
i've NEVER felt that bad.
and cos i dun wanna elaborate, this will be all abt the sushi.

its now 2.54 am .
i wanna slp.
someone teach me how to fall aslp.
i need help badly.
sickening.

i shall try cutting my hair tmr.
if i've time.

ahhhhhhhhh..

i wanna slp.

what's it with the disgusting trend to lose weight via dieting?

SIGH! MY 7210!

SIGH SIGH SIGH SIGH SIGH...

fucking pissed.

love / Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[luhv]
Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation noun, verb, loved, lov·ing.
–noun

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2.a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7. sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. (initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12. the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13. Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing.
14. a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.

Love from www.dictionary.com

if i say i love you, which love do you think im talking abt?

imagine being slapped back to reality.

if you don't know how it feels like...let me tell you.

it hurts.

im writing christmas cards!

and i just wrote the one for the best friend.

and guilt struck.

SIGH!

L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore

Love is all that I can give to you
Love is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart but please don’t take it
Love was made for me and you

on a sidenote, december's d time to nua arnd. the weather is perfect for nuaing, and nothing else. its d lesson i've to relearn every december.

OH.. and thats my fave song of the moment..not hints that im in some form of weird relationship that is not.....presentable.

WELL.....my hoodie came!

along with guilt that will probably last me for a lifetime.

i feel like a liability. as someone put it...bratty? omg. kill me. the guilt is eating me up.

but the hoodie is nice n i love it! love love it!

thank you! thank you very much!

im gonna be indebted for life.

i had a stayover last night.
to be more accurate, i housed 3 souls in my house last night.

and i've my top 5 fave moments....no rank whatsoever.

1. Kalyn going "i'm so fat!" and then reaching out for her glass of coke. (this was observed by chinggggg who wondered this out loud. nice. )

2. While watching Lord of The Rings, mabel leong went "you mean this isn't based on a true story?" (CLASSIC)

3. Watching ching and mabel leong attempt to hula hoop. (should count as 2..but.....they'r too amusing. one shakes everywhere..one does not shake at all)

4. Mabel leong wanting to lie on my feet. (For what, i've no idea. but she really wanted. weirdo. )

5. Ching exclaiming "i can monkey bar like a monkey!" ('cept that monkeys do not climb monkey bars)

i hate second guessing.

im getting sick of it too.

while charging the stupid nano, i decided to bring the world's attention to my cousins!

the pretty background is from far east. the benches opp guardian! and we were happily posing, while our cameraman snapped our pics...

thennnnnn.....the unglam side sets in..and we decided to just kiao-ka. but of cos, my cousin still has to look darn cool and suave even when he's just...plain unglam. ahh well, the perils of being my cousin.

lionel `- x G [ lil one says:
you always have cravings

lionel `- x G [ lil one says:
are you pregnant?

I DON'T LIKE LIONEL. says:
.................

I DON'T LIKE LIONEL. says:
yes i am.

yes, world.
i am pregnant.
does this explain my cravings?
if it doesn't, go roll away.

in a world where the perfect is ideal..
my family waits to be annihilated.

in the world where lies and facades are abundant..
my family is 1st in line.

in the world without mercy..
my family crushes and dies.
all of us.